The festive season always calls for social interactions, and even though I have had this fixed mindset that I hate social settings for the longest time, I had to admit that I did gain much from such experiences recently. But inevitably, there was no running away from the inherent flaws of these settings.
The idea of doing garang guni for canvassing scares the shit out of any introvert, and there wasn't any exception for me. I shuddered at the thought of knocking on people's doors and disturbing the peace and tranquillity of others' private lives. But when thrown into the job, especially as a senior setting an example, I had no choice but to do it and do it well. And despite all the fears of being rejected or even getting into trouble, instead I derived much joy and satisfaction in talking to people, to people you would never talk to on a normal day. I realised that when you stop being so conscious about yourself, but instead, focus more on the other party, the interaction becomes so much more genuine and truthful. These people are just average Singaporeans, like me and you, fellow countrymen living in pockets of spaces. Generally they live similar lives, have jobs to obtain a fixed income, have kids that go through the same education system, have laundry to do, leisure weekend activities to indulge in, family and friendship ties to maintain, and stay in weekends to recharge. They are in fact very human. By being nice and polite to these human beings, in turn, they become nice and polite to you too.
By walking the corridors of these iconic and familiar residential flats, I saw another side of society. Those forgotten, undesired, cast aside, misfits of an economically driven society. An old man walks out of his flat, and retreats minutes later, only to come back out for some fresh air and a neighbourhood watch. A group of men from China huddling in a small living room playing computer games while a family from India pounding spices in the kitchen. Then there are those flats which have doors ajar offering a peek to a room of darkness and nothing else. One can only guess what goes on inside. Sickness, solitude, sorrow are the first things that come to mind. There was only so much I could do: empathise. And that is why I realised I gained so much more from this so-called 'recycling project'. It was another reminder of how appreciative I should be of the life I have, to be able to sit down here, in front of a computer screen, expensive speakers, soothing music, comfortable work chair, and the breeze blowing in my face, while being reasonably, I say reasonably, healthy. I was reminded of how cruel society can be. The Parliament debates non-stop about the larger issues of economic based policies, everything material, but the powerful ones fail to walk the grounds and sense the inequality and see the reality of living the average life. I have always believed in fighting for your own survival and not depending on others or in this case, the Government to feed you. But the fact that our country has evolved to this unrecognisable money driven state saddens me. Yes, everyone would love to live a luxurious and comfortable life, but at the expense of everything and everyone else? I have never been an avid fan of discussing politics, but I have been trained to have an opinion, and my opinion is that we are moving too much too fast.
Anyways, back to the topic of social interaction, Chinese New Year is perhaps the best if not worst time for you to assess your own progress in life. People ask you the darnest things, and if you have not prepared an answer for it, just be prepared to look like a fool. That is how it has been for me. I have been forced to feel guilty for not being caught up in the rat race. A while ago, I was thinking why bother about them, just smile, nod your head and carry on with your mundane simple life. Then a chain of recent events got me thinking. I realised I cannot be living for myself any more. I gotta start preparing myself for the future, more of such things, to be someone capable of standing your own ground, between others and your family. There are gonna be people depending on me, looking to me for a sign, direction, protection. The responsibilities are yearning a master. I can't be running away from them. I can't live for myself any more, preparation and training starts now.
As much as I want to be the guy who has got it all sorted out, I am far from it. I have had my moments of conflict, uncertainty, confusion, insecurities. The process of growing up is no mean feat. And the pressure is starting to mount at this phase of life.
Dilemma, another dilemma. What is true happiness? Some say true happiness is to see your loved one being truly happy. Logically it makes sense. I would want the best and only the best for her. If only there were no irregularities in life, things would be perfect. But it is not to be. Complications set in when you realise that you are not the best. Isn't it such an irony? When you have finally found someone who is so perfect, at least for you, but you got this tinge that you are not good enough and don't deserve such a privilege as she could be better off with someone other than you. And yet you will find true happiness when you send her off to someone else. What sorcery is this??
Whatever that meant, it could be solved only when you start becoming the best there is. Not the best of the best, but the best for her. So I conclude, when you finally find yourself worthy enough to give her happiness, you find true happiness. And when you are born with no talents, not even Flappy Bird, that is when hard work comes into place. But whatever the case, it still takes two hands to clap.
Living in limbo because everything is too good to be true.
