examination? what exam?

"Don't let a single examination ru(i)n your life."

That's a quote I recall from a note written by an encouraging teacher addressed to his students receiving their results the next day.

I've never believed in examinations, but accepts them as part of the process in grading. As much as we all want to get rid of exams, unfortunately, there's no better alternative to assess students. It's plain stupid to ask someone to 'prepare' for an examination, jail him for 2,3 hours and force answers out of his poor brain. You know why? Because even after a year of studying, probably 99% is lost within days or barely hours after the exam. The only thing that remains is called an impression.

I'm not anti-studying. But I don't believe in studying things that you will never get to apply. Yes, they may 'shape' your mind, train 'critical-thinking skills', or they may simply torture the brain and send it into a state of taking mental photos and attempting to reproduce at a certain time. In life, you don't have to store every thing in that confined space between your hair and eyes. There's something called a library which is defined as a collection of books and periodicals in a room or building. Or there's such thing as the Internet which has become indispensible, ubiquitous and the closest thing to what we label as our soul. There's no qualms that basic knowledge is required to be at the fingertips, but sometimes, academic syllabi are scarier than Frankenstein. The requirements and expectations are beyond belief.

Why the need for grading in the first place? Competition.

Haven't you realised we have been just fighting amongst ourselves? The perfect deception of friendships and schoolmates masking the ugliness of competition and making the overall outlook more humanly. Unfortunately yet again, that's life.

It's all about competition. In the ecological chain, or perhaps things closer to our hearts - money, success, careers, material goods, even mating partners. Competition is part of nature's selection process, but humans brought it to a whole new level. Complexity brought next to competition and we have a formula for insanity.

You may not have memorised all or even 50% of the facts in that 200 slides of lecture notes or 500 page textbook. You may not have practised enough questions of the ten year series for your pen-holding-hand to be raring to go instinctively at a similar question. You may not have mastered the skill of writing 3000 words legibly in 3600 seconds. Or you may not have the luck, stomach, energy to survive the unbelievable stress or the preceding meal that accidentally contained chilli padi.

In short, you may not have done well for an exam. Don't be discouraged, because if you have gave it your all, it just meant that you have not mastered the art of taking examinations. It doesn't necessarily mean that you lack the knowledge, wisdom or intellect to match up to others. It simply means, your score wasn't as high in this exam. There might not be a second shot at it. But it doesn't mean that there's no 'second' shot at life. It doesn't end here. It might not have opened as many doors or any door at all. However, there are always alternative routes to take and you might just end up at the same destination. All that is required is perseverance and the immense courage to stand up again after falling from what seems to be like a skyscraper. Be brave.

Or you may have gotten straight As. It MIGHT be due to your freakish intelligence level. Or it might just be because you've memorised the answer scheme. Or perhaps it was plain hardwork that got you where you deserve to be.

But please spare a thought to those who might not have done as well, be it up to individual, peer, family or societal expectations. Instead of boasting about the distinctions, scholarships, celebrations and bright futures. Maybe you can prove that you aren't just a competitor, but a true friend who's there to lend a shoulder, an ear, a helping hand and a mere presence to those in need.

I've been through obstacles and understand how it feels. Sometimes I don't regret having to go through the hard way. Because it makes me appreciate, learn from my mistakes, and ultimately a better, and stronger person.

Up and on.

emotions

I'm obliged to type something here.

I don't know why, but as of late, I've been sensing lots of 'feelings', not within myself, but within people around me. Be it positive or negative, I have this weird intuition that seems to be telling me to read into things. Or maybe it's just a conjuncture of many happenings.

I've been having a relatively neutral to fairly upbeat mood. Been the ever happy-go-lucky dude. So things have been pretty mundane. I was just doing the routine.

But it seems that some of my friends have not been having a good time. Some dealing with insecurities, parting, perpetual race against time, fatigue and even accidents. There again, there were joys of celebrations, parties, nights out, surprises, and the winning feeling.

Not only friends, the family shows signs of animosity, or probably should be down played appropriately to petty dislike or disagreement, to sense of longing, unspoken disgruntledness, boredom, loneliness, sympathy and 'oppression'.

There are too many things happening at the same time. It's like conducting a wedding and a funeral simultaneously. Sometimes I get confused whether to feel happy or sad as a result of these happenings.

And there are 2 things I really need to get done. It's been quite intriguing but I'm doing it nothing more than to ascertain everything's in order. The other, just to get it off my chest because someone's really really deviating from normal human behaviour, it's beyond insanity.

Come to think of it, I do have a depot of trains carrying thoughts at the moment. Just that I do not own the liberty to publish, nor bandwidth to document everything. However I must mention that I just rewatched Slumdog Millionaire and Up on tv and still find both as fascinating as ever. Both very well produced and scripted. But more importantly, both movies tingle with something humanly called emotions.

Overall, it has been a fascinating past 2 weeks. To cap it off, Liverpool won the league cup and I was literally shouting together with the uncles at the coffeeshop. No orchestra conductor could ever, ever better direct the harmony of voices that come together when the ball crosses the goal line. It's natural. It's a ... GOAL!!!

we were once young

i was looking through some photos and was feeling kinda nostalgic. it's amazing how far we've come and the changes we've gone through, be it for the better or for the worse. it's saddening to realize that the same feelings, same treatments would never be experienced again.

there's a speech vividly etched in my mind which was made by a successful man at a graduation ceremony, telling the graduates that their best times of their lives is over and everything would be going downhill from here. he urged them to stop studying and working and enjoy what they love while they still have the chance.

what he said was somewhat true. we've spent the peak of our youth in schools, slogging it out, memorizing formulas, facts, theories, essays, assumptions and dragging fatigued bodies and minds home everyday. we are probably looking the best we would ever look, be the smartest we would ever be, be the fittest we would ever be and the sharpest we would ever be in our lives. it's downhill from here. i would leave this topic here, because i know there's no point agreeing with him and start touring the world, spending all my assets and just die. it's impractical, and life's that unfair.

instead, i would like to talk about how it is still possible to relive memories and create new ones. i wouldn't say the night 2 days ago was the best night i had in years. because it wasn't. however, it was a night which my now very rational, very practical and overly matured mind would never have thought of spending it that way. to stay up, play console games, have a guitar session, driving out to hunt for thrills yet getting more bites than creeps, having prata in the wee hours, and finally getting a shuteye at 7am before embarking on an 8-hour long lecture. it's pretty crazy isn't it. i'm thankful for the company i had, and more importantly, the memories that were created. it's nights like these that digs deep within the close bonds we have for one another. whoever said "bromance" ain't healthy?

i appreciate that i'm not the only one making the effort to hold on to this bunch of close friends. everyone plays their part. definitely there would be signs of people wanting to break away, or just being distracted, but ultimately, when we all sit down and laugh about good old times, there ain't no strangers. these are good guys. as the crowd dispersed, you see who stayed, and who left.

as for another group, i have this feeling of it reaching breaking point. the jester, entertainer, intellect, extrovert is leaving. the vocalist, contributor, enthusiast, spark has evolved and grew wings. the politician, artist, flamboyant, introvert has become more than ever, interested in the non-mainstream. the bubbly, cool, extravagant has always been the most difficult to accommodate and still is. the nucleus, governess, sociologist is starting to lose interest and patience. the balance will cease to exist the moment witty comments and entertaining arguments are short in supply. it's even more saddening to see this happening. sometimes i feel tired being the one maintaining normal functions. even though there have been attempts to take over the reigns, nothing really succeeded. i don't mind being in this role because i would merely be playing my part to maintain the balance. however, the see-saw is tilting too much now. i have no idea how this will eventually turn out, but i hope for the best. i'm sure there would be comments like i'm exaggerating things etc. my answer to that would be to just sit back, flip through the albums, and think - isn't it happening?

happy valentine's folks

i can't make up my mind.

sometimes i'm glad for being single or just being left alone, doing my own things at my own time as it is so carefree, no restrictions, no limitations, no considerations, no burden, no expectations, no worries.

but at times, i feel solidarity, emptiness, purposeless, the lack of a dependent, confident and a true friend.

i really enjoy being alone in general. the idea of fending for yourself, the idea of planning your own schedule, managing your time and your life, the idea of being independent. the sweetness of freedom. sometimes i really wish to pop a champagne to celebrate the fun i'm enjoying by myself. from the times in ns, i've been caring solely for myself. it's easy. tidy and clean your own items, washing your own laundry, settling your own meals, copying for your own notes and reference, running like mad after the bus without worrying about others lagging etc. it's so easy. you don't have to give a shit about anything else except for yourself.

i genuinely love being alone. i love to plan my time such that i don't waste time doing unnecessary waiting, meaning being ON time instead of arriving early to wait. and sometimes the thrill of racing for time, knowing that your legs are the only variable mode of transport, meaning i've been running at the most unusual times and places. i love to stroll into class and walk straight to the back row at the corner of the room so that i have a complete view and knowing that there's no other pair of eyes watching you than the lecturer. i love to have the option of choosing when to listen intently and when to stare into space for no reason without anyone questioning. I love to walk in a general direction and start making convenient detours to settle my meals in cheap and good fashion, without caring about a second opinion what to eat. IN SHORT, i'm weird. Hooray!

Yep, those are some of the things that i like to do. But there are times when all of those don't matter and i just feel like turning to my right in class and start copying notes from someone else, or walking into class with an accomplice feeling less embarrassed when you are late, or having the spontaneous meal at the roadside coffeeshop drinking tea and sweating it out, or having a conversation about the scenery while i drive along the coast during sunset.

i have this horrible irony almost everyday of my life. to be alone or not? sometimes i pray my phone doesn't make a noise because i'm really too lazy to reply. but sometimes i wish someone would say hi and talk about the weather.

sometimes, i wish that i could finally stop blogging all these semi-fictional yet impulsive truthful crap and start telling someone what i'm really thinking about.

afk

Hi all. The mood for typing something here just struck me. It has been pretty awesome for the past 3 weeks. Yet, I still feel kinda weird. Hmm let's analyse.

The build up to CNY was hectic. I was helping with all kinds of chores at home, from helping to repair washing machines to air con units to window blinds to the coffee table. And normal housework like hanging the curtains and mopping the floor. Not to forget running random errands, buying groceries, flowers, pussy willows etc. It's all part of the CNY mood. I remember one of my friends telling me about how his family enjoy spring cleaning because the whole family will be assigned to mop certain part of the house and they do it altogether, inwards and ultimately they will meet at one tile. That is where they will sit down and enjoy a pizza together. How cool is that?

Even on the eve, we were still cleaning. Busy but worth it. And as per norm, reunion dinner with my grandma who's 97, have a perfect set of upper row teeth but none on the bottom. She's critical but owns an infectious smile.

We didn't go visiting this year so just camped at my grandma's place for day 1 and 2, playing cards and being quite lucky this year. Went for lectures as usual and I really look forward to attending some. Good lecturers are hard to come by, but I know one when I see one. Grateful to have them.

Spent a friday at sentosa last week to see some flower exhibition and simply to tour RWS. Had the feeling of holidaying. Then there's the shopping element at vivo after that. In short, a good day out with the family.

And then the supposed dreaded journey to the north. Had to miss the class reunion because of that. But it didn't turn out that bad either. I rather enjoyed myself bringing a positive mindset. The journey felt so much shorter with a cheerful discussion about our futures. And was pleasantly surprised by the newly refurbished hotel room that we always frequent back there. The dinner wasn't that bad, it was at a decent chinese restaurant near the hotel. And following that, I managed to catch Kuyt scoring the winning goal against Man U. So, I was over the moon. The holiday feel was there again. We spent the next morning shopping and had the long lost A & W for lunch before heading home. It was a good break in my opinion.

Cage after 2 weeks was somehow not competitive despite a clash of heads and owning a resultant bump. Irony isn't it. Accidents happen.

Had a great meet up with the soon-to-be-ang-moh-accented-singaporean. It was stress-free and lighthearted yet a knowledge imparting session. There's a bigger world out there.

Today marks the start of 6 months without my elder sister. Will definitely miss her but I guess we are of the age to finally spread our wings? The house will be feeling emptier now. I can already feel it. But letting go when necessary is a skill we must all master eventually.

nice?

let's see, i've spent my past week either

1. lectures

2. chores and maintenance

3. baking

4. counting cars

5. sleeping

brilliant.

apart from a bruised ankle from the match earlier, everything went pretty well. even an 8 hour long lecture on fri.

counting cars aka traffic survey was interesting. it's amazing how time flies when you are counting. it's as if you are counting sheep to sleep. anyway, it was for the quick buck, but good experience.

the cny mood is here! the spring breeze, the supermarket craze, the deco all over the house, the songs etc. but, as usual, i might have to spend it on foreign land once more. subject to confirmation of date. sigh.

sometimes i wonder, how is it possible to be so obsessed with oneself. is the world that small such that it can only be viewed through just a single lens? everyone else's opinion is wrong, irrelevant or insignificant. because the world is just about 'me'.

must i always give in? or can i finally be the one who's being disliked? it is said that being liked is so much easier than being hated, because if you are hated, at least you stood up for something in life. i don't know about that.

but i know that sometimes, somehow, probably i should just introduce myself as "Hi, my name is Mr. NOT-SO-NICE GUY. Scram."

your love is a song

it's been some time since i've been able to find a song worthy to be on repeat mode.

it isn't new, but a new discovery.

teo heng was fun as usual, followed by a stuffing xlb buffet at holland v which i downed 30 small dragon buns. far cry from my record but due to some attempts at stomach reduction, it is forgivable. had a couple of cage sessions, which was coincidentally followed by ANOTHER xlb buffet which i had probably 20 more. cage has been pretty good, i feel like i'm probably 75% of my peak fitness now. although it is impossible to hit 100% unless i go through another ns, i would be happy to remain at this level or even increase it to 80%.

sherlock holmes was great. missed the beginning though. stardust was even better. hahah for probably the 11th time.

classes had just begun, started quite well. managed to stay on pace most of the time. and had a pretty shocking moment upon chancing an old friend.

i feel tired. to be always trying to live up to expectations.

can't i just be like everyone else? am i too old for my age or are they too immature for theirs?