You.

The time..

When we first met. I was mesmerized by your gaze. It was enigmatic, intriguing but ironically innocent. Your body language portrayed a contradiction - not instinctively wanting to, but still rendering help to me. I literally stood there pondering what just struck me. And I hardly ever get to say this, but yes I was attracted, to you.

When I scrolled through your profile, I could tell you were different, I sensed something special. I was certain I wanted to get to know you. And I tried when the curious chance came along.

When we had the first exchange of messages, I didn't have a plan in mind. I just wanted to keep it going. For the first time in years, I found myself anticipating and feeling excited to receive replies from someone. But with no other platform, it had to stop somewhere. I resigned to fate.

When fate decided to give a helping hand, I couldn't believe the odds. I wondered if this was a plan devised or an opportunity created by something divine. I became hopeful.

When we formally met, I was incredibly nervous. I heard you speak a full sentence for the first time and was amused by your unique accent. I was intrigued more and more by you every single time we met.

When you laughed at a pathetic joke I cracked, and when we played Flappy Bird during the break, we started becoming more comfortable in each other's presence. I was glad to earn a friend.

When we embarked on the long walks back to your hall, I wished the route was a hundred times longer. Every time we spoke about a different topic, often discussing in depth and sometimes with passion. We clicked well.  That semester, I looked forward to Thursdays just to hear your views about the world and to see you smile.

When you consciously or unconsciously decided against having dinner with me, I sensed something amiss. It wasn't anything serious, but I was bruised a little inside. I started my lessons on acceptance and patience.

When you asked for a ride home, I wasn't the only happy one. The car was gleaming after a thorough polish and bath.  

When I stepped into your hall room, I felt as if I have made a leap into your life. I was grateful and honoured to be let into the space shared by the few.

When you played with the soft toy and curled up in the passenger seat  while I drove, I melted and melted again. I would probably have crashed the car if you continued doing so. And when you jumped up realising you left something behind, I realised I could turn back over and over again without feeling a single bit of annoyance.

When you specifically asked me to join you on a summer programme, for a moment my mind lost its dominance. My logical head calculated a no, but my heart was bursting out with a hell yes. Eventually I declined because I couldn't betray rationality, just yet.

When you asked me to accompany you for a part time job, I took a little longer to say yes because I flew over the moon and back. I was in ecstasy.

When we met out of school for the first time, I thought you looked gorgeous. It didn't matter that it was just jeans and a cardigan over a tank top. Your poise and elegance shone through those fabric, throughout.

When you spontaneously chose to bring us to the airport and accepted another impromptu job offer,  I realised I didn't need to shoulder everything alone, I can leave things to you too.  

When we shared that cake on the cold ground after a long hard day of menial labour, and strolled through Gardens before the stroke of midnight, I sensed something brewing in me, something in both of us, something between us.

When you brought breakfast from home, gave that fixated gaze and unreserved wide smile to greet me, I felt special. I felt important to you. It seemed like we have built a bubble around us. There was no one else, but us living in our own world, doing silly things, laughing and just being happy. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you.

When you decided to lie on the damp grass and look for stars, I was happy to oblige but didn't know what that meant. And moments later, when we talked and you said you have not met a 'someone' yet, I was stabbed hard and was downright confused. That night I apologised for a bumpy ride home telling you I was distracted, when I was actually distraught. I hid those emotions and pretended nothing happened, brushing your words off as an innocuous well-rehearsed statement, but I was still torn by your contradictions.  

When we went grocery shopping, I stood and admired your domesticity. When you taught me to ice skate, I kept falling but through it, I was impressed by your portrayal of patience and dedication. When you made Rice Krispies Treats, got me the rainbow cake and sang Happy Birthday, I wished time had stopped there and then so that I will never forget the feeling of bliss. But I couldn't be selfish. Indeed, I was rewarded with a sense of fulfilment when I sent you back to your mother knowing that she's your most beloved. Your happiness became my priority.

When we were the only ones left on the beach being too engrossed with our guessing games, I laughed at your messed up hair but actually wanted to say that it was cute and I liked it better that way - the raw and real you. That night, you felt nauseous and I never felt so worried and helpless before. I was heartened to see you brave and withstand the train ride home.

When we were on that train ride, we stood so close, I could count the number of lashes you had. It was a moment out of the entire time I had known you that I felt this genuine unobstructed connection. I asked softly if you were willing to talk about your most dreaded topic, but you looked up to me with those big innocent eyes, puffed cheeks and gently shook your head once. I simply smiled and ceased probing. We have reached a stage where body language was sufficient to convey a message. I fell deeper in love with you that day, with your insecurities and vulnerability. I wanted so much to give an assuring hug but was wide aware of the invisible line that should not be crossed, yet. You started playing with my sleeves, pulling it down as it was folded up, whispering that it should be tidy. My heart wasn't mine any more.

That day, I sent you back to your door step, as per usual. But this time, your mom opened the door after hearing the sound of your keys. I panicked. I wasn't sure if it was a timely introduction to your mom. You once said that you didn't want her to get the "wrong idea",  therefore instinctively, I backed away, hiding from her line of sight. As the door swung open, instead of rushing back in, you looked at me and thanked me for walking you back even with your mom in front of you. I smiled and waved goodbye. I felt validated.

When you had a fervent discussion on what is a Carton with your 2 bffs., you sought my opinion to break the tie. I felt my value to you increase. And when you said you would bring me along the next time you head back to your second hometown, I eagerly awaited for that day to come. I wanted to share your world, no matter how small or big it is. I was slowly becoming a part of your core circle of friends, or more.

When we were locked up to solve puzzle after puzzle, I was pleasantly surprised by the chemistry between us. As I worked on a logic puzzle, I commented that you should check my steps but you disagreed and happily watched on, saying that you trusted me to get it right. Gaining your trust on anything was an honour and I was secretly happy with the revelation that you do understand how I am. It was one of those times we simply relied on each other without feeling a bit of shame. We played our separate roles, worked as a team, and never quarrelled even when things weren't going well. You made up for my weaknesses with your strengths and I made up for yours with mine. I was in awe at how well we complemented each other.

When I had the privilege of walking the tiles of your place, play on your piano, and see those dance shoes hanging on your room door, I learnt even more about you. I was impressed by everything I encountered. But it also reminded me that there is so much more about you that I don't know of - a past that made you who you are, and the importance of understanding all of it before we could advance any further. I thought I had time for that, little did I expect this to be the peak and turning point of us.

When you stood up on me for probably the last planned outing of summer, I was hurt. I was hurt because I felt disrespected and disregarded as a friend. You lost the spontaneous, fun and outgoing side of you. Or maybe you didn't. But you started distancing away from me. I sensed something terribly wrong. Simple happiness seemed to be a thing of the past, overnight.

When you avoided me again to head down to work, I was hurt even more. I had a big plan to carry out, but what you did shook me and had me questioning myself about you. What you did reminded me of the hurt you can bring, and will bring. I asked myself if I am willing and prepared to accept who you are, all of it, the good and the bad, the bliss and the pain. The answer was yes, and so I carried out my plan.

When you smiled, stayed put, and gave me that hug, I was just relieved. I was so afraid of losing you and was glad it did not happen then. You said you were glad too. I thought we were fine now. The feelings were out and honest, there was nothing more to hide. I became more expressive, but sensed that you weren't too comfortable with it. And so I toned it down, but it wasn't enough.

When you started ignoring me officially, I was just puzzled. I couldn't understand what went wrong, or what I did wrong. The war between the rational mind and struggling emotions ensued. It went on for weeks. In the bid to make things right, we made things worse, and I became even worse off.  

When I sat three study benches apart from you, and you walked right past twice without saying anything at all, I realised we weren't friends any more, not even acquaintances. It hurt so bad that day, especially after recalling everything we have built over summer. All of it counted for nothing. It hurts even more to lose something when you don't even know how you lost it.

When I was about to attend one of the depressing weekly lectures, I bumped into your male friend in the toilet, all dressed up, styling his hair, and even adjusting his eye brows. I didn't think much about it, since some guys are overly narcissistic in front of the mirror. But after I stepped out, sat on a bench alone, you appeared and stood beside him, looking stunning in a black skirt and new shoes. It was the first time you dressed up  for school, and the only time I have seen you dress up at all. Both of you talked, smiled and seemed so close, I found myself exploding with jealousy even though I was pretty sure there wasn't much between you two. That day I realised there was nothing true in you wanting to be alone and independent. Instead, you just didn't want to be anywhere near me, any more. Just anyone but me.

When you walked away, blocked me on Insta and out of your life, it was the biggest blow I have faced in my twenty three years. I was at a loss. Never in my wildest dreams, I had expected to be placed in this unconventional dramatic situation, and to know I have hurt someone so deeply, yet feeling multiple amounts of the hurt I have supposedly inflicted. That day, I finally understood why the world's greatest songs are about emotions and heartbreak. The pursuit of love and happiness often risk ruining lives and friendship.

When I was at my lowest, I thought of no one else but you. Indeed, it made sense as you were the main reason for my struggles. But I realised I thought of you because I had so much expectations. You were the only one I was prepared to bare it all to because I was treating you as someone more than a friend. I realised I was deceiving myself that I could treat you as a normal friend when in fact I can't, not when my heart was always wanting more. I realised you have risen to a status unattainable by anyone else. I went to irrational lengths to tell you things about you, purely in your interest. I found myself caring about you at the expense of myself and every happy memory we had because nothing matters more than your future. I realised the kind of love I have for you, is ridiculously persistent, irrational and unbreakable regardless of adversity.

I still find myself smiling when I think of you being the not-so-nice girl, sticking the tongue out, giving death stares and a scrunched up nose. I loved your carelessness and at times, recklessness because it makes you, you. I swoon at your childlikeness, athleticism, spontaneity, intelligence, unassuming character, ironically outgoing but introverted nature, your love for music, books, languages and every remaining bit of your unique personality.

It doesn't matter what names others call you, you have let me in and shown me the real you with and without that bloodied ice shield. The shield with spikes did stab me each time I got near or tried to lower to let others see what I saw. But the pain was worth it. I am extremely grateful to have the chance to see how perfect you could be. The limitless possibilities you showed me when I was by your side made me a boy all over again, and it also made me grow as a man. Loving you has been the best unconscious decision I have made.

Thank you. For everything. The happy memories, the bliss, your time and for being you.

It took quite a while, but today a chapter concludes. Today, I box up everything about you, and place in a corner of my room. You were once the centre piece of my life, but today, I leave that stage empty, for anyone or anything to create more wonderful memories.

Today I am letting you go, but it doesn't mean I am giving up on you. I just need to forget the painful memories about you for me to stop hurting. I need to move on and share my life generously with others who care about me, just like before. I have learnt that loving and giving requires receiving too, without it, there's immense hurt.

But I don't really know how to break promises, so my promise to you shall stand - I will always be here for you and you will always be that special "friend". Our relationship remains unexplainable, ambiguous and strange. If you decide to come back one day, let us be 'us' again - be it summer buddies or simply the goofy pair who happened to click. If that doesn't happen, I just hope to have the luxury of knowing the answer to the biggest mystery of all time - what exactly went wrong?

Regardless, I wish you happiness; for someone to give you the happiness you ought to receive and vice versa. I had a little taste of the kind of love you could shower on someone, and whoever has the privilege of receiving that for a life time would be a lucky man, a very, very lucky man.

I'm putting this very personal post up because hardly anyone knows about this remote space and actually cares to read about what a random dude has to say about his uneventful life.  I don't know if you will ever see this. But if you do, this post is for you to know that you came into my life and changed me forever, for better, not for worse. You added colour to my life and gave me emotions I can only dream of.

This post is a stamp of my promise to you, and that the last line of my note to you stands no matter what fate has in store. Unbelievable odds and chance occurrences have played a humongous part in our story, giving me no basis to doubt fate. You came into my life for a reason. That reason isn't exactly clear, but I believe it is good. It isn't to generate dislike or hatred, but to teach about love.

More importantly, this post is for me to close a chapter, and begin a brand new one. The hurt has faded slowly but surely, and I am finally starting to breathe again.

You have been a part of me, and made me, me today. For that, I am eternally grateful to you. But now it has to be farewell, till we meet again, my special 'friend'.

Don't cry that it's over, smile because it happened. :)