happy valentine's folks

i can't make up my mind.

sometimes i'm glad for being single or just being left alone, doing my own things at my own time as it is so carefree, no restrictions, no limitations, no considerations, no burden, no expectations, no worries.

but at times, i feel solidarity, emptiness, purposeless, the lack of a dependent, confident and a true friend.

i really enjoy being alone in general. the idea of fending for yourself, the idea of planning your own schedule, managing your time and your life, the idea of being independent. the sweetness of freedom. sometimes i really wish to pop a champagne to celebrate the fun i'm enjoying by myself. from the times in ns, i've been caring solely for myself. it's easy. tidy and clean your own items, washing your own laundry, settling your own meals, copying for your own notes and reference, running like mad after the bus without worrying about others lagging etc. it's so easy. you don't have to give a shit about anything else except for yourself.

i genuinely love being alone. i love to plan my time such that i don't waste time doing unnecessary waiting, meaning being ON time instead of arriving early to wait. and sometimes the thrill of racing for time, knowing that your legs are the only variable mode of transport, meaning i've been running at the most unusual times and places. i love to stroll into class and walk straight to the back row at the corner of the room so that i have a complete view and knowing that there's no other pair of eyes watching you than the lecturer. i love to have the option of choosing when to listen intently and when to stare into space for no reason without anyone questioning. I love to walk in a general direction and start making convenient detours to settle my meals in cheap and good fashion, without caring about a second opinion what to eat. IN SHORT, i'm weird. Hooray!

Yep, those are some of the things that i like to do. But there are times when all of those don't matter and i just feel like turning to my right in class and start copying notes from someone else, or walking into class with an accomplice feeling less embarrassed when you are late, or having the spontaneous meal at the roadside coffeeshop drinking tea and sweating it out, or having a conversation about the scenery while i drive along the coast during sunset.

i have this horrible irony almost everyday of my life. to be alone or not? sometimes i pray my phone doesn't make a noise because i'm really too lazy to reply. but sometimes i wish someone would say hi and talk about the weather.

sometimes, i wish that i could finally stop blogging all these semi-fictional yet impulsive truthful crap and start telling someone what i'm really thinking about.