my dearest grandma

The past couple of weeks have been, I would say, tiring and emotional. Saying goodbye wasn't the most difficult part, it was seeing people break down, the actions of others and the occasional memory flashback that saddens me.

There were many other emotions that I experienced. I have long been a mere spectator amongst the seemingly eternal conflict that has been happening within the family, without even putting much thought to such mindless arguments. But when things have come to this stage, and they are still bickering, putting self interest before what's of utmost importance, I was extremely upset. In fact, I was disappointed, frustrated and even angry. Granny left. And her children can't even get their act together, for one last time. Perhaps I've finally grown to see what's actually happening. Finally come to the age to realise what it meant to be a dutiful son. It is in times like these that you see the ugliest side of people, the incompetence and truest reflection of one's character. Whatever respect I had for some people regardless of age or occupation was lost momentarily. Or maybe permanently? I don't know.

Ok that's enough of the ugly stuff. This post shall be inked with the best memories of my beloved grandmother we affectionately call Ah Po. I've been through a few passings in my 20 odd years. And this one had the most impact. Perhaps due to my closeness to her and my better understanding of matters at this age. Ah Po was very much like my mother in terms of character and beliefs. She went through tough times when first migrated here from China and experienced WWII first hand, explaining her strong dislike for Japanese calling them ji pun gui translating to 'Japanese Ghosts'. She raised 10 kids, and many animals too. From her stories of feeding milk to piglets, catching chicken, feeding dogs, cats and most recently the rabbits during my era, she had many stories to tell. I tried to understand with my limited vocabulary of Hainanese and translation from the elders and was always amused. I fondly remember the times when we stayed over at her house during the weekends or school holidays when we would play Dum (she was really good at this!), Aeroplane board game, Shui Da Shui Xiao card game(who big who small, she was the one who taught us) and even Jenga and whatever toys we brought there.

I vividly remember I accidentally threw a wooden piece, probably a Jenga piece, to her and it hit her eye. I was so afraid at that time that she would go blind in one eye but she just smiled and assured me it's ok. I never dared to mention the incident again. Subsequently, I noticed a mark at her left eye which I thought I could have been the culprit, but I never asked and it will never be known.

Ah Po had a secret recipe for a salted fish soup which only she and my late eldest aunt knew. It was unique and I loved it so much that I would bug her to cook for me. But unfortunately, the taste is now lost forever.

I have always been fascinated by her daily schedule. She would wake up around 6am and have breakfast, flip the newspapers but just looking at pictures as she can't read, watch tv, take a nap, have lunch, tv again and then sit at the gate watching the neighbourhood and observing people till dinner. Recently, she would sit by the window and watch planes take off and even counting the number for the period. We all laughed when she said there were only 5 planes that took off for the whole morning. Haha it may be true afterall.

Mahjong. I still remember how it all started. The adults would play all afternoon and when it was their time for dinner, my sisters and I would scramble and invade the table pulling Ah Po along to play a couple of rounds before the adults came back. As we grew older, we would entertain her during the holidays and play from morning to night. And when she was losing, we would use our camera phones, stretch out behind her back while she was all focused on her tiles, and take a snapshot of what she had so that we could discard our tiles in her favour. Her toothless smile was always infectious and we were happy as long as she was happy.

Undeniably, we were her favoured grandchildren over time and she had my photo when I was younger, displayed in her room. We always loved that she could stay over so that it was more convenient for my aunt to bring her to her medical appointment the next day.

I guess those were the best memories I had with her over my short 20 years compared to her enriching 95. I was quite remorseful to leave her birthday celebration this year before cutting the cake but she urged me to go by giving the usual assuring smile. And perhaps the biggest regret I have is to not do what I wanted to do 3 years back - an English-Hainanese dictionary. I wanted to do it so that I could have proper conversations with her, but I gave it up and tried to learn it by mere listening and attempted speech. I didn't manage to master the language in time and had to make do with broken Hainanese all these while. I tried.

I was there when she left, and felt relieved for her to end the torture and discomfort she had. Although her biggest wish of seeing everyone come together was not fulfilled, I hope she'll leave everything behind and find peace and happiness wherever she may be. Rest in peace, Ah Po. Lu gai dun, Su Wee.