I'm human

I am puzzled as to why I am so affected by a single comment.

Am I not opened to criticism? Do I not know myself? Am I oblivious to the tension? Don't I sense all these?

Here are the answers to those questions.

I know myself very well. I know where I stand in terms of intellect, fitness, social skills, talents, flair, appearance etc. I was and will never be the smartest, fittest, popular, talented, good looking fella. But there's one thing I'm sure of. I work hard for what I believe in.

I don't strive to be the best, but I strive for the best I can be. I'm very much happy to be the average Joe or the Jack of all trades good at none, because I know that's me. If you are born and blessed with a talent, thank your parents. But if you came to this world with nothing extraordinary, but worked from scratch to your best, and realised your best is not enough, what else can you do?

If there's anything at all that I'm given, I would say EQ. I can read situations well, and sense things. I may not respond in the best way to the situation but I KNOW what's the best. It's a matter of choosing to react in that certain manner.

By nature I'm an introvert. It runs in the family. No denying. I rather spend the day lying in bed reading a book than to go out to havoc with friends. I'm very comfortable on my own, a master of solitude and might even work better alone. Here's the big BUT, I've made decent effort to socialise, make new friends, small talks, feint smiles, thinking furiously of ways to keep awkwardness away etc. That's the effort to go against nature, to help improve myself, stepping out of comfort zones. I could very well be like my sister who is an extreme introvert but I chose to fight it and be forced upon by the environment. Here's another but, BUT, there are limitations. You can have hundreds or thousands of friends on facebook, but what's the use when no one truly cares about you?

The social experiment I did was to remove my birthdate from facebook and see how many happy birthday wishes I received. The result was nil. And I was damn happy about it. Because I encountered zero hypocrisy, insincerity, or saying for the sake of saying greetings. I gave up wishing happy birthdays to people for the sake of saying. What's the point of adding another wishing to a LONG list of identical words? Does it make the day more significant or memorable? Does it make it any happier? So what happens next? Another 2 words 1 year later?

My point is, a wishing should be genuine, personalised, sincere, coming from someone truly concerned. There is no need for anything less. All or nothing.

Back to the topic, I'm in fact very opened to criticism. That's because I'm my biggest critic. So whatever's thrown at me, if logical, should have already been processed in my brain. I usually accept what's been said about me, but I cannot accept fictitious accusations or baseless criticism. Back up facts with your claims and I would gladly be reminded of my shortfalls and improve on it. It's best to attach constructive suggestions.

There is no sarcasm intended, even though it sounds like I'm angry or pissed, I'm not. This is just a reflection of my character and thought process which might well be flawed in the eyes of many. But I'm pretty satisfied with how I am now. Which I think should be a goal for adolescents of this age - finding your true self.

I never fancied trying to break into cliques that are already established. For some, it might seem easy and seamless. Unfortunately, I'm not someone who's able to hit it off with any and everyone, but I still try, especially when people are trying to include you.

That's not much of a problem. The problem comes when one moment they seem inclusive and the next you realise you are working so hard on your own to be part of an exclusive group. It's totally confusing.

Sure I don't mind joining. But it's too painful to be on the fringe, especially when what we are talking about aren't professional contracts, simply a recreational interest group.

I have to admit that I'm no saint myself. I fully understand the thoughts of the insider, putting myself in their shoes and even been part of it before. Having to decide whether to get rid of the people you dislike, or those not keeping up with the group. It's easy to do it. Just exclude from the RSVP list. However, the difference between me and them is that I'm sure of the person I'm getting and won't be put in this position because of my prior decision.

Think through before deciding, make sure you are convinced it's the right decision and stick with it. Don't be wishy washy fickle minded and let emotions have the better of you. List the conditions, pre-empt, forewarn, do whatever you need to before getting your guy. You are dealing with a human being. Not a pawn.

The final words after reflecting. I'm not angry or pissed because of this situation. I'm frustrated with how things are done. Decide yes or no, in or out. If in, all the way, no halfways. If out, end it. Not happy with your guy, tell face to face, agree on the problem, give constructive advice to improve. Don't forget, it was your decision to include, stick with it.

If this doesn't take a turn for the better, I'm no puppet. I need a reminder of the cause I'm fighting for and if it's worth my effort, blood, sweat and tears. I'm human.