Sold My Life

There has been too much going on, too much in my head. Somehow there's this void, emptiness, as if my body has lost its soul.

It's easy to point a finger at anything else and everything else, but maybe I should start with myself. Ultimately, I've concluded that I haven't been doing any self-reflection to be accountable to myself.   

And having said that, I think I'm too much of a perfectionist. It took me quite some backspacing and retyping to churn the above 2 paragraphs out. And because of that, I've decided not to think so much about what I've typed, but just type. I spent hours on a single writing assignment, I don't want to spend more hours restricting and scrutinizing my own words. So, this post might sound incoherent because I'm just typing freely, like what I used to do before everything started to get complicated. So don't bother reading too much into this, it is perhaps just what it seems to be. That straightfoward, for once.

To the issue of having a void, there's no denying that everyone would love to have emotional support and just someone to hang around with. It's too gay to find a guy for this role. Yes, finally to the topic of having a partner in crime.

I've been through camps, through all the traffic light games, shoot shag marry etc etc. People questioned. And sometimes I couldn't even answer. The common reaction when the word "evergreen" was mentioned is "don't bluff". Is it that hard to believe?

Yea, I wouldn't mind a partner. That is, if you manage to find one. And after each despairing interrogation, the common conclusion drawn is that I'm too picky. Really? I believe in finding the right one. Not simply hooking up for the sake of having the temporary fun and filling of the void. I'm looking for someone of the same wavelength, who I can stand looking at day in day out, and someone who can stand looking at me day in day out. I just haven't met that person.

I don't believe it's impossible to meet someone who shares the same beliefs and values. I've got friends who are the complete opposite of me, trying to induct me into their kind of lives. Sometimes I wonder how long more I can hold out before finally succumbing to peer pressure.

Yet, I'm sure it would take a great deal for that to happen. My perseverance remains my strongest asset.

I'm not saying I'm good or the best, but it's really really sad to see how girls fall for the worst guys. I see things from the inside, and there really aren't many good guys around. Sometimes, even I get deceived when making a judgement and recently, it just got me into a year of problems. I should have guessed, but I just took my chances. Afterall, I didn't have much of a choice, until a genuinely familiar good guy appeared out of the blue which made me regret my decision.

Which brings me to the topic of Hall. Too many people asked me until I forgot the real reasons. So here they are:

1. I didn't have a roomie.

2. I didn't want to get allocated a bad roomie.

3. I didn't want a non-aircon hall, didn't want to take my chances.

4. I foresaw that I would need to stay someday somehow, so I needed to get a room somehow.

5. That means squat.

6. If I applied for hall, and got a non-aircon hall, or lousy roomie, and I must reject it, I can't squat for the year.

7. I wanted to drive to school for convenience to the inaccessible Jurong. Staying in hall meant I can't drive.

8. Hall costs $230 a month, I have to fork that out myself - that's more than half my monthly allowance.

9. Parents aren't supportive because they are  afraid I would be too engrossed with hall activities and end up not studying.

I think that's about it.  

And then came the CCA.

What really happened?

I had no clue what was the club about. I didn't even know it's like the Council of the school. I was just asked to go for it by a senior. (I'm pausing at this moment to evaluate how much I should divulge here)

I needed a CCA, but I didn't know what to go for. At that moment, I was a very happy kid, going to school at 8.30am every day, and leaving by 5pm daily. Any spare time was spent in the library. I was on the ball. It always starts with this right, at every phase of my life. I start great, I end like shit.

Anyway, there weren't many CCAs available that attracted me. There was no way I would go for sports. I wanted a slack one but yet something that would help my resume. There weren't many.

And so, I happened to pass by the Club booth and was brainwashed by a senior who's in there. For the first time, I just brushed it off. Until the application deadline day. I was reminded to submit the form. It was last of my priority. I was more concerned with doing my tutorial. And I left it to the last 2 hours. Which I had a tutorial which ends half an hour to the deadline. I collected the form before the tutorial, thought of something to crap about, printed a photo of myself from the intranet and just filled in the required blanks. The tutorial was extended and I ran down with only 5 minutes to spare and submitted the cui application. I didn't even know it will be shown to everyone in the school.

That was how the tagline came about. Under immense stress and time constraint to fill in the blanks. And tada, I was in deep sheet.

I had to do campaigning which I had no clue how to do. I didn't even have a decent picture. I had the balls to go up during a lecture and snatch the mic and scream for votes, but I just didn't see the need to. I wasn't desperate enough to get it. I still had the come what may attitude.

One day to elections and I bought snacks like m&m, cheezels and twisties to give away and buy votes. But there were no lectures on that day. And I had to finish the snacks myself. Great.

The only comfort I got was that I had my OG to help me and a little bit from everywhere due to pageant. And I put up a strong fight, but still lost to a popular senior. Managed to force by elections, as the votes didn't meet the required threshold.

Twist of events, my competitor backed out, citing personal reasons. A new guy came in, but no one knew who he was. And I managed to win by taking two thirds of the votes.

Things started to get really busy from then. Meetings, co-option to search for my assistant, sub-committee interviews and all the events. I spent my free time wrecking my brain for new ideas, sending emails, looking for good deals etc etc. I sold my life for a nominal fee.

Ok maybe it might be all worth it at the end of the day. But I didn't expect the politics to be THAT bad. It's like a war. It's the type of people as well I guess.

The only good thing is that I'm guaranteed a hall next year and I AM getting a single room at all cost.  Till I find a good roomie,  I'm not gonna stay a double. I like to live my own life, without disturbing others, and without others disturbing me when I do not want to be disturbed. I'm guilty yet proud of throwing my phone at one corner sometimes for the entire day and derive joy from it.

This post is probably long enough to make you fall asleep. So I'll end here. There are still the long over due posts for Thailand, the camps and pageant. Some other time I guess.

Tata.