I probably had the worst birthday of my life.
I just feel so miserable. So much for gritting teeth, fighting on with perseverance and determination. All the talk of enduring through the toughest times, it might be all bullshit afterall. Yes it's true, I'm still hanging on, putting up a straight face even though I really feel like breaking down, hide in some corner and just run away from this world. I can't even hide how drained I am. So tired and stressed out.
I just feel so helpless. All the talk about being independent and facing shit myself. Yea facing shit myself is true, I won't drag anyone down with me. I won't even breathe a word. But I'm feeling equally shitty. The pillar is cracking, falling apart and about to collapse. I am looking around, looking for someone to talk to, someone I can confide in, someone who can be my very own pillar of strength when I need a boost. I feel so lonely. A couple of my bros gave me some encouragement. But i realised there's someone who I would want to talk to at this point of time. I don't know why but it's just this feeling. Having said that, I really can't think of anyone who can fully connect with me. Or is it this thing called ego that's stopping me? Or is it truly independence? I have no idea.
And I think they finally realised how I am feeling. They probably noticed the blankness in my gaze and my world of black and white. The weariness of my face and the frequent daydreaming. In case you are wondering if I am sick or crazy I can assure you I'm not. But at the rate I'm working I probably will.
My wish came true. The first time came and hell I learnt so much. If you are a regular here, you might be sick of reading my lessons learnt everyday. This experience will be engraved in my mind for life. It's painful, but I just want it resolved. Sometimes, there are more important things in life. And someone reminded me,that life is well, the most important thing in life. Something even worse could have happenbed but it didn't and I should be thankful.
And thankful I am. For I had a 20th birthday I will never forget.
The build up to 11 june was unbelievable. I wondered why my usual bo chup self was so easily affected. I was truly demoralised. Upon having the chance to have a glimpse of what happens out of my own cubicle, my morale just hit rock bottom. Whatever I said about life being unfair and to suck it up became an irony. Something struck me. Seriously, why am I working so damn hard when everyone else who's involved just don't give a shit. Why am I covering up for people? Why did I work so hard for? What ever happened to the ultimate goal of being among the top, the privileges, the honour, prestige and authority? What's gold on your shoulders when you are no difference from anyone else apart from being a stupid capable workhorse who others sometimes come by to exchange a hypocritical word of respect or to seek help? What happened to all the promises, hopes and expectations?
I slumped back into my office chair and just sat there not wanting to do anything. And when I finally opened my inbox, I read an email from a colleague that was a direct attack on me. I was extremely offended. Accusation from someone who does NOTHING. However, I just took a deep breath and ended it just there. Some people are just two faced hypocrites and I can't do anything about it. And so be it. Ultimately, if they don't change for the better, they are the ones to suffer.
Ok mood's kinda better and shall end here to do some thing productive.
1 comment:
Hey, I know this is an old post, but you just blogged exactly what I am feeling right now. In my work, all that I expect is a little professional courtesy but obviously those are two words rarely heard nor used in my office. I don't think I can work any longer for a company where gossip is not only tolerated but encouraged. Obviously, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and what a person thinks of me is none of my business, but I don't think I can just sit in my chair and let everyone talk about me behind my back.Thank you for this wonderful blog. I have made up my mind about talking to my boss and tell her how I feel. I'd rather lose this job and probably be forever unemployed in this economy (unless of course I move out of state or start my own business, which I am contemplating about) than to have stressful work days and sleepless nights.
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