choppy waters

As promised, I'm back here. I foresee a long post.

I've been wanting to type something here for quite some time, but have never seem to be able to organise my thoughts. And that has got me to concur that I have changed over the course of the past year. As much as I want to say I have changed for the better, I would be lying to myself should I declare that. Indeed, I have learnt a lot but I feel like I have lost just as much.

I believe my mind has become more fragmented than ever. I can no longer absorb and store information at ease and will. And I feel like I am unable to express myself as articulately and accurately in words. In short, I feel like I've become more stupid than before.

Look at the number of "I"s that has been inserted into the above 2 paragraphs. My range of vocabulary has deteriorated. I was even impressed with my use of language after reading posts of yesteryears. As an undergraduate, how pathetic is that?

Perhaps it is true that I set high standards for myself, which has been highlighted by a couple of my course mates recently. But in actual fact, these so-called high standards fall way beyond the expectations of my family, more specifically my father.

Okay, if this goes on, it will be an extremely messy post. I have many issues to address and I think I should analyse them one by one like before.

1. Academic

As per norm, I had 5 modules for the past semester. Micro, macro, maths, research writing and korean.

I shall be honest with myself, I was lagging very badly for macro for the entire semester. I practically studied the whole module 1 week prior to the exams and didn't finish studying the last 2 chapters. It was a difficult module and a big jump from the basic level. I wasn't ready for it.

I was on track for the other modules but the revision was compromised because I spent a lot of time trying to catch up for macro. So ultimately I was barely prepared for all of the modules. Looking back, I think it was perhaps the right choice, given the grading system which emphasizes on consistency. I couldn't have foregone macro, I would probably fail it. Having said that, I really don't know how I am going to do for all the modules.

The build up to the exam period was frantic. I was rushing research writing like mad. It was like a PW all over again, just that it was much much worse, considering the group mates I had. The report was sooooo bad and was only about 70% complete 1 day to the deadline. The content had no depth, the analyses were so poor and the language was horrendous. I thought the work was done by a secondary school student. I don't mean to condemn others or make myself seem superior. But from the work produced, you can see the disparity between the various junior college graduates. This is a generalisation and does not hold for all, but I would say it is true for the majority. And the worst part isn't the lacking of ability, but the attitude and mentality. If you know me, you would know I am actually quite a heck care and easy going person. It is a miracle that there are people who are even more heck care to the extent that they intend to submit the first draft of the report. The draft that came directly from the head, the words that seem like a conversation with a friend, with no regard for format, tone and basic grammar. I don't know how they can bring themselves to call it a formal report. It's amazing.

I did what I could, doing up an introduction that flowed, but was chopped up and edited beyond recognition and sense. Only desperation on everyone's part gave me the license to churn out a brand new conclusion 5 hours to the deadline and to edit freely as I wished. It was a mad day. The stress level was sky high that day as I had to split myself to organise an exam welfare event which I did single-handedly because my assistant overslept.

It's even more puzzling how I managed to keep my cool and head that week. I was even putting on an act to make everything seem fine, cracking jokes and laughing things off when I was dying inside. Throw in the quizzes I had to study for during the period, I was a walking dead.

2. CCA

The politics sort of died down thanks to distractions from the outside. It seemed like everyone's passion rocketed in the opposite direction at the turn of the new semester or maybe just after the biggest event. They had their holiday mode on while I was still slogging it out. It was somewhat a one-man portfolio. Yet again, it's me myself and I who organised 3 full events. It would be too much to say I did every single thing, but I am certain that all those events would have failed spectacularly without my intervention. I have never seen that much need for leadership for any task throughout my life. Maybe I have been blessed with good company in which people would take turns to step up and make things happen at crucial times and am just not used to the lack of direction.

But it is through all these that I finally understand why employers are on the look out for leadership capabilities in their potential recruits. Not everyone's a leader. And without one, nothing moves. At the end of the day, there must always be someone at the helm, or maybe the not-so-glamorous backstage, putting in the extra effort to lay out the foundations, set a direction and ensure all the details have been looked after. It is only now that I understand the rationale behind the idea that those on the upper echelons should be paid more. And through all these, perhaps, just perhaps I can conclude that one is rewarded based on the amount of passion one has for a cause. The amount of effort put in may be proportionate to the reward entitlement, but what drives this effort boils down to raw passion, or in some context, pure desperation.

Anyways, I will give a more thorough breakdown on things when the curtain falls in August. But one thing's for sure, I will NOT go for round 2. It is unfortunate, because after everything I have gone though, with the valuable experience, knowledge and skills acquired, I am unable to contribute further. Yes, my ability is being recognised, and I am wanted in for another year this time at the highest position. But for the sake of my studies and sanity, I cannot assume another year in office. I must keep this thought clearly in my mind and hold on to it dearly, because there will be a string of persuasion and psycho-ing coming up which I must fend off.

I think psychologically, I have been affected somehow. I have become mentally unstable. Okay, not literally, but somehow I feel the accumulation of all the recent events has taken a toll on me. Perhaps posing a challenge to my mental toughness. It may sound weird, but I have been talking to myself more than ever. Everyone has that little voice in the head helping you with decisions day in day out. That little voice of mine has become so loud I end up treating it as another person and verbally speak to it. It doesn't help that I spend about 70% of each day on my own, and large parts of it listening to sad piano pieces or movie soundtracks. Ain't I weird?

I read this somewhere on the net, probably on some confession page:
I know you are very capable living alone, but will you be happy living life that way?

And my answer to that is:
Maybe not, but given the circumstances, I can only make the best out of it and spend my time productively.

Okay I am out of context already. Back to the topic.

I am mentally unstable probably due to the range of characters I have to deal with. It is agreed that it's a life skill to be able to talk to people from all walks of life. But it shouldn't be taken too seriously. It is extremely tiring to constantly alter your speech content and language to cater to your audience. I can be talking in Singlish for a moment and the next I have to turn all artsy fartsy, inserting puns into witty comments or drafting an email blast to the school in a formal yet informal tone. Following which I have to interact with people who have a lower English proficiency and the small talk comes out, which has no value and often accompanied by its good friend named awkwardness. And then I have to get all task orientated and send emails to external vendors in a professional tone. Then I have to go back to kindergarten level, speaking in broken Korean. It is really demanding to be the man with many masks. I probably lost my true self somewhere along the line.

All of this can be attributed to the same problem. Me taking up too many things. Here's a list of my involvement.

- Main Comm, Welfare Director
- Dinner and Dance, Financial Controller
- Convocation, Logistics Director
- E FOC, Group Leader IC
- H FOC, Senior Attached
- UOC, Programmer
- Hall Soccer

That should be all I guess. The first two's enough to kill. I still have my Sunday league which usually burns half of my weekend. And that sort of sums up my semester. Sleep is usually the first and easiest to compromise, because everything else has a deadline.

3. Finances

I haven't been spending much. Not much eating out at restaurants, merely canteen food. I even save on transport since I drive on most days. However, my accounts receivables are at a record high. The school owes me about a thousand for reimbursement, friends over a hundred. So, the overall accounts are pretty healthy at the moment. Can't speak for the holidays though, I've got quite a bit to spend on. I need to replace my sports shoes, street shoes, tights, and looking to get a decent sound system and a dslr. Should I stay in hall, I may need to buy a fridge. That's really a lot to spend on. The tights that I wore for nationals.. lost it at a match, I'm still quite sad about it.

I've been treating the family for some of the entertainment expenses, so, I foresee a tight budget this holidays.

4. ACCA

Exam in a month, should be able to cope since it's a pretty mathematical mod.
I am contemplating overloading to 2 mods next sem since I'll be dropping CCAs and in view of a hopeful exchange trip. See how it goes.

5. Complications

There were some complications which I think started in Feb or Mar. To be honest, I do not even know the exact details, till now. It wasn't a pleasant experience, it might even be termed somewhat annoying. Having said that, I admire the courage and true nice intentions and also applaud the persistence displayed throughout for so many weeks. At least my message was passed on subtly, yet so brutally.


Even I lost interest typing this post, so I guess it's time to stop. The bulk of the happenings of the past semester have been covered anyway. I shall reflect on random stuff the next time round. Tata.


(Should anyone concerning the above content happen to see this post, please pardon my bluntness. I was at full ranting mode and censorship was at the minimal, if it's existent at all.)