Sold My Life

There has been too much going on, too much in my head. Somehow there's this void, emptiness, as if my body has lost its soul.

It's easy to point a finger at anything else and everything else, but maybe I should start with myself. Ultimately, I've concluded that I haven't been doing any self-reflection to be accountable to myself.   

And having said that, I think I'm too much of a perfectionist. It took me quite some backspacing and retyping to churn the above 2 paragraphs out. And because of that, I've decided not to think so much about what I've typed, but just type. I spent hours on a single writing assignment, I don't want to spend more hours restricting and scrutinizing my own words. So, this post might sound incoherent because I'm just typing freely, like what I used to do before everything started to get complicated. So don't bother reading too much into this, it is perhaps just what it seems to be. That straightfoward, for once.

To the issue of having a void, there's no denying that everyone would love to have emotional support and just someone to hang around with. It's too gay to find a guy for this role. Yes, finally to the topic of having a partner in crime.

I've been through camps, through all the traffic light games, shoot shag marry etc etc. People questioned. And sometimes I couldn't even answer. The common reaction when the word "evergreen" was mentioned is "don't bluff". Is it that hard to believe?

Yea, I wouldn't mind a partner. That is, if you manage to find one. And after each despairing interrogation, the common conclusion drawn is that I'm too picky. Really? I believe in finding the right one. Not simply hooking up for the sake of having the temporary fun and filling of the void. I'm looking for someone of the same wavelength, who I can stand looking at day in day out, and someone who can stand looking at me day in day out. I just haven't met that person.

I don't believe it's impossible to meet someone who shares the same beliefs and values. I've got friends who are the complete opposite of me, trying to induct me into their kind of lives. Sometimes I wonder how long more I can hold out before finally succumbing to peer pressure.

Yet, I'm sure it would take a great deal for that to happen. My perseverance remains my strongest asset.

I'm not saying I'm good or the best, but it's really really sad to see how girls fall for the worst guys. I see things from the inside, and there really aren't many good guys around. Sometimes, even I get deceived when making a judgement and recently, it just got me into a year of problems. I should have guessed, but I just took my chances. Afterall, I didn't have much of a choice, until a genuinely familiar good guy appeared out of the blue which made me regret my decision.

Which brings me to the topic of Hall. Too many people asked me until I forgot the real reasons. So here they are:

1. I didn't have a roomie.

2. I didn't want to get allocated a bad roomie.

3. I didn't want a non-aircon hall, didn't want to take my chances.

4. I foresaw that I would need to stay someday somehow, so I needed to get a room somehow.

5. That means squat.

6. If I applied for hall, and got a non-aircon hall, or lousy roomie, and I must reject it, I can't squat for the year.

7. I wanted to drive to school for convenience to the inaccessible Jurong. Staying in hall meant I can't drive.

8. Hall costs $230 a month, I have to fork that out myself - that's more than half my monthly allowance.

9. Parents aren't supportive because they are  afraid I would be too engrossed with hall activities and end up not studying.

I think that's about it.  

And then came the CCA.

What really happened?

I had no clue what was the club about. I didn't even know it's like the Council of the school. I was just asked to go for it by a senior. (I'm pausing at this moment to evaluate how much I should divulge here)

I needed a CCA, but I didn't know what to go for. At that moment, I was a very happy kid, going to school at 8.30am every day, and leaving by 5pm daily. Any spare time was spent in the library. I was on the ball. It always starts with this right, at every phase of my life. I start great, I end like shit.

Anyway, there weren't many CCAs available that attracted me. There was no way I would go for sports. I wanted a slack one but yet something that would help my resume. There weren't many.

And so, I happened to pass by the Club booth and was brainwashed by a senior who's in there. For the first time, I just brushed it off. Until the application deadline day. I was reminded to submit the form. It was last of my priority. I was more concerned with doing my tutorial. And I left it to the last 2 hours. Which I had a tutorial which ends half an hour to the deadline. I collected the form before the tutorial, thought of something to crap about, printed a photo of myself from the intranet and just filled in the required blanks. The tutorial was extended and I ran down with only 5 minutes to spare and submitted the cui application. I didn't even know it will be shown to everyone in the school.

That was how the tagline came about. Under immense stress and time constraint to fill in the blanks. And tada, I was in deep sheet.

I had to do campaigning which I had no clue how to do. I didn't even have a decent picture. I had the balls to go up during a lecture and snatch the mic and scream for votes, but I just didn't see the need to. I wasn't desperate enough to get it. I still had the come what may attitude.

One day to elections and I bought snacks like m&m, cheezels and twisties to give away and buy votes. But there were no lectures on that day. And I had to finish the snacks myself. Great.

The only comfort I got was that I had my OG to help me and a little bit from everywhere due to pageant. And I put up a strong fight, but still lost to a popular senior. Managed to force by elections, as the votes didn't meet the required threshold.

Twist of events, my competitor backed out, citing personal reasons. A new guy came in, but no one knew who he was. And I managed to win by taking two thirds of the votes.

Things started to get really busy from then. Meetings, co-option to search for my assistant, sub-committee interviews and all the events. I spent my free time wrecking my brain for new ideas, sending emails, looking for good deals etc etc. I sold my life for a nominal fee.

Ok maybe it might be all worth it at the end of the day. But I didn't expect the politics to be THAT bad. It's like a war. It's the type of people as well I guess.

The only good thing is that I'm guaranteed a hall next year and I AM getting a single room at all cost.  Till I find a good roomie,  I'm not gonna stay a double. I like to live my own life, without disturbing others, and without others disturbing me when I do not want to be disturbed. I'm guilty yet proud of throwing my phone at one corner sometimes for the entire day and derive joy from it.

This post is probably long enough to make you fall asleep. So I'll end here. There are still the long over due posts for Thailand, the camps and pageant. Some other time I guess.

Tata.

wake me up when September ends

I promised to type a few words here.

If I really have to start, it would date back to months ago, and I doubt I have the time and stamina to do so, unfortunately, at least not at the moment.

Uni life so far has been nothing but eventful. It's crazy. The camps, the dnd, the school work, the cca, the social life. I'm simply drained.

Everything happened so quickly. There was no time to stop and think. I haven't touched the newspapers in a long while. I haven't had the time to go for a leisure run. I haven't tasted salted popcorn in ages. I haven't been given the chance to say "Hi, how are you doing to my dear friends" because I have some 20 whatsapp group chats which rings non-stop. My phone has been screaming overload and it's only normal to reset it 3 times a day.

I realised that when I'm really busy, I get insanely busy.

What sort of magic is this?

quickie

ok, my last post was effectively, 1 month ago.

been too busy with stuff. there was the thailand trip, then the orientation camps, which i have mixed feelings about.

anyways, i shall find time to blog about my endeavours this week. to sum things up, the past month has been significantly memorable, for the better and also for the worse.

I'm human

I am puzzled as to why I am so affected by a single comment.

Am I not opened to criticism? Do I not know myself? Am I oblivious to the tension? Don't I sense all these?

Here are the answers to those questions.

I know myself very well. I know where I stand in terms of intellect, fitness, social skills, talents, flair, appearance etc. I was and will never be the smartest, fittest, popular, talented, good looking fella. But there's one thing I'm sure of. I work hard for what I believe in.

I don't strive to be the best, but I strive for the best I can be. I'm very much happy to be the average Joe or the Jack of all trades good at none, because I know that's me. If you are born and blessed with a talent, thank your parents. But if you came to this world with nothing extraordinary, but worked from scratch to your best, and realised your best is not enough, what else can you do?

If there's anything at all that I'm given, I would say EQ. I can read situations well, and sense things. I may not respond in the best way to the situation but I KNOW what's the best. It's a matter of choosing to react in that certain manner.

By nature I'm an introvert. It runs in the family. No denying. I rather spend the day lying in bed reading a book than to go out to havoc with friends. I'm very comfortable on my own, a master of solitude and might even work better alone. Here's the big BUT, I've made decent effort to socialise, make new friends, small talks, feint smiles, thinking furiously of ways to keep awkwardness away etc. That's the effort to go against nature, to help improve myself, stepping out of comfort zones. I could very well be like my sister who is an extreme introvert but I chose to fight it and be forced upon by the environment. Here's another but, BUT, there are limitations. You can have hundreds or thousands of friends on facebook, but what's the use when no one truly cares about you?

The social experiment I did was to remove my birthdate from facebook and see how many happy birthday wishes I received. The result was nil. And I was damn happy about it. Because I encountered zero hypocrisy, insincerity, or saying for the sake of saying greetings. I gave up wishing happy birthdays to people for the sake of saying. What's the point of adding another wishing to a LONG list of identical words? Does it make the day more significant or memorable? Does it make it any happier? So what happens next? Another 2 words 1 year later?

My point is, a wishing should be genuine, personalised, sincere, coming from someone truly concerned. There is no need for anything less. All or nothing.

Back to the topic, I'm in fact very opened to criticism. That's because I'm my biggest critic. So whatever's thrown at me, if logical, should have already been processed in my brain. I usually accept what's been said about me, but I cannot accept fictitious accusations or baseless criticism. Back up facts with your claims and I would gladly be reminded of my shortfalls and improve on it. It's best to attach constructive suggestions.

There is no sarcasm intended, even though it sounds like I'm angry or pissed, I'm not. This is just a reflection of my character and thought process which might well be flawed in the eyes of many. But I'm pretty satisfied with how I am now. Which I think should be a goal for adolescents of this age - finding your true self.

I never fancied trying to break into cliques that are already established. For some, it might seem easy and seamless. Unfortunately, I'm not someone who's able to hit it off with any and everyone, but I still try, especially when people are trying to include you.

That's not much of a problem. The problem comes when one moment they seem inclusive and the next you realise you are working so hard on your own to be part of an exclusive group. It's totally confusing.

Sure I don't mind joining. But it's too painful to be on the fringe, especially when what we are talking about aren't professional contracts, simply a recreational interest group.

I have to admit that I'm no saint myself. I fully understand the thoughts of the insider, putting myself in their shoes and even been part of it before. Having to decide whether to get rid of the people you dislike, or those not keeping up with the group. It's easy to do it. Just exclude from the RSVP list. However, the difference between me and them is that I'm sure of the person I'm getting and won't be put in this position because of my prior decision.

Think through before deciding, make sure you are convinced it's the right decision and stick with it. Don't be wishy washy fickle minded and let emotions have the better of you. List the conditions, pre-empt, forewarn, do whatever you need to before getting your guy. You are dealing with a human being. Not a pawn.

The final words after reflecting. I'm not angry or pissed because of this situation. I'm frustrated with how things are done. Decide yes or no, in or out. If in, all the way, no halfways. If out, end it. Not happy with your guy, tell face to face, agree on the problem, give constructive advice to improve. Don't forget, it was your decision to include, stick with it.

If this doesn't take a turn for the better, I'm no puppet. I need a reminder of the cause I'm fighting for and if it's worth my effort, blood, sweat and tears. I'm human.

June 11

Haven't blogged for a while, just a quick copy and paste.

Chanced upon this, and found this to be astonishingly accurate. I don't really believe in these sort of things, but this is too true to be true. (Less the lovers part)

Did a social experiment as well, and my hypothesis was right after all. Details next time.

Anyway, linked from http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/june-11-birthday-astrology.htm

GEMINI INFORMATION FOR JUNE 11

You should embrace: Calm, happy memories, yourself the way you are
You should avoid: Going to extremes, dogmatic behavior, hypocrisy

Although they need a great deal of personal validation, geminis born june 11 possess an ego strong enough to support their grandiose ambitions. They possess superb leadership qualities and have the potential to make a difference in the world.

Friends and Lovers

June 11 people are basically loners who prefer the company of a few close friends to a wide variety of pals. They are extremely romantic and fall in love many times. However, they want love to be more than it is and frequently draw controversy into their love lives without even realizing what they are doing.

Children and Family

June 11 natives have a great belief in family values. They tend to pursue a strong interest in family matters long after they have left home. As parents, they are concerned about doing their best. Although they may be committed to career responsibilities, they try hard to make time for family life.

Health

Because of their somewhat moody disposition, june 11 people may suffer from real or imagined ailments brought on by their emotions. These health problems usually abate when they are happy. Some deal with their emotions by eating or drinking too much. It is important for them to learn to protect their emotional well-being from these tendencies.

Career and Finances

June 11 individuals like to lose themselves in creative occupations that give them the opportunity to express their inner dreams and fears. Because they are not ambitious in the traditional sense, they can benefit from the help and advice of a mentor.

Dreams and Goals

June 11 natives are often daydreamers and not particularly goal-oriented. They're more likely to "feel" rather than "know" how to go about making their dreams come true. However, they have faith in their abilities and work hard to make their dreams come alive.

i belong to Pluto

This is random.

I just read a number of posts from my secondary and college days and was totally engrossed. The style of blogging was so different. I practically reported everything I did in a day, every thought I had in my mind and there were still at least a dozen people reading. I was so young and naive, emphasizing young.

Times have changed. Things begin to complicate, people change and we will never get back to doing those stuff again. To put my posts in a nutshell, I was basically playing soccer every other day during my secondary school days and having track training during college. The only similarity between the two periods was me trying to do the bare minimum to pass my academic subjects.

I realized I was quite a funny dude. Or maybe I was trying too hard being lame. Those were the days where I could type a thousand word post without even hesitating, without even bothering what opinion would be formed as a result of a certain word or sentence published.

I can't believe we are all turning 21 this year. Somehow, I feel unwilling, reluctant and even a small extent of fear to grow up. All my life, I looked forward to growing up, getting a job and starting a family. Then, this sudden jolt came out of nowhere and brought me to reality. From now on, I can no longer talk and act without thinking, do stupid things, worry about scary teachers, getting a disciplinary record, have a conversation about toys and games. In fact, what I find myself worrying about is not having sufficient knowledge for my future job, not being competent, lagging behind in current affairs, networking, social statuses and money.

It's the commencement of this really boring period of life. Yes, we have been complaining all our lives about how boring wearing a uniform to school is. But there is no denying we had so much fun and laughter during those years, more than enough to compensate for the fatigue, syllabus and examinations.

Flip the page. This new chapter, you are on your own.

There are those days when I watch the news or read the papers with so much enthusiasm and eagerness to learn. And there are those days when I feel obligated and forced to gain the knowledge. The corporate world seems like a complete facade. Politics makes it worse. Honestly, I'm so sick of following the issues on the train breakdowns, the really stupid system of COEs which I'm so tempted to blog about it, the high housing prices, the 'unlucky' 50 over men, the immigration policies, Myanmar's democracy transition, N Korea's famine vs nuclear ambitions, Libya's and Syria's fighting, Euro's credit and debt crisis, Australia's PM's waning popularity, Egypt's struggle for power and China's every movement.

Sometimes I feel like just finding this piece of rock, preferably at least 2m in size, so that I can hide under it and live in peace.

The pressure is on, what has the world come to? Rather, what kind of world have I grown up to face?

happy dilemma

It is a rarity that I post 2 entries consecutively. But the exception this time round is because I wanted to dedicate the previous post entirely to an activity that played such a life-changing role thus far.

This post would cover some of the thoughts I have encountering one of the biggest decisions I have to make in my 21 years.The time has come and I've been offered 2 different courses in 2 different universities. Honestly, I've been caught off guard. I never expected to be in this situation, especially when the 2 courses are equally appealing to me. For now, I have to find out the merits and demerits of both courses by asking the insiders, but more importantly, start studying for my exams in June!! No time!

Here's a sincere apology to my friends whom I've neglected for the past few weeks because I have this immense lethargy as of late and never had the heart to hold decent conversations be it through the phone or face to face. I guess it's the niggling call from the books, urging me to enter their world, and leave the social universe temporarily. Or maybe it's the untimely bug that struck, making me feel weak as ever and locked up in the world of my own. Whatever the reason is, sorry for the unresponsiveness. BRB (when the feeling's right.)

Slaves to machines?

It has been a year since I had the luminous orange triangle up. Today marks my graduation from the probation period which I must say I've been a pretty obedient driver.

I am one of those few retards who would prefer to take the wheel instead of the back seat. Ever since I sat in my dad's car when I was young, I've been fascinated by how one is able to operate and manoeuvre such a powerful machine, and exceptionally impressed by the manual gear stick. However, when it was finally my turn to take the front seat, I realised the true destruction power of such a machine.

Today I sit here typing this post as a relatively seasoned and experienced driver, and someone who would count his blessings after going through a traumatising road accident merely weeks after getting the license. It's nothing like bumper cars at the night markets, it's expensive, emotionally and physically draining and more crucially life threatening. I could have lost my arms or legs, or even life should the occurrence sequence had twitched by a second or two. It is that serious.

After going through that incident, I've learnt the importance of safety on the roads as everything happens in a blink of an eye. The lives of you and your passengers lie in your reaction and judgement in that split second.

And in order to hone the attributes to save lives or minimise damage, experience and skill in operating the vehicle is vital. I've been through other tests and came out tops, be it owing to sheer luck or judgement and skill, but I've learnt from every experience I had on the road. And I don't deny I put in extra practice on slopes, changing gears, reversing, and being aware of the surroundings all the time. You can call me a driving fanatic, but I would classify doing such things as the bare minimal pre-requisites to have a safe trip from Point A to B.

As much as I love the art of driving, I value safety more than anything else. Just 2 days after swerving out of someone's blind spot right into another lane with an on coming car and maintaining control, it's a timely reminder of my dad's preaching of "precautionary driving", knowing that you can control your actions but you can never predict the actions of others.

I would not in my wildest dreams declare that I'm skilled and experienced as compared to thousands of others on the road, but I would say I'm happy with my progress as a 1 year old driver. With more experience comes knowledge and instinct. While you can't prevent accidents from happening, since they are called accidents, you can prevent an accident waiting to happen. Don't be a liability and nuisance on the roads. But still, enjoy the ride.

(Disclaimer: I am not a spokesperson for the Traffic Police!)

my dearest grandma

The past couple of weeks have been, I would say, tiring and emotional. Saying goodbye wasn't the most difficult part, it was seeing people break down, the actions of others and the occasional memory flashback that saddens me.

There were many other emotions that I experienced. I have long been a mere spectator amongst the seemingly eternal conflict that has been happening within the family, without even putting much thought to such mindless arguments. But when things have come to this stage, and they are still bickering, putting self interest before what's of utmost importance, I was extremely upset. In fact, I was disappointed, frustrated and even angry. Granny left. And her children can't even get their act together, for one last time. Perhaps I've finally grown to see what's actually happening. Finally come to the age to realise what it meant to be a dutiful son. It is in times like these that you see the ugliest side of people, the incompetence and truest reflection of one's character. Whatever respect I had for some people regardless of age or occupation was lost momentarily. Or maybe permanently? I don't know.

Ok that's enough of the ugly stuff. This post shall be inked with the best memories of my beloved grandmother we affectionately call Ah Po. I've been through a few passings in my 20 odd years. And this one had the most impact. Perhaps due to my closeness to her and my better understanding of matters at this age. Ah Po was very much like my mother in terms of character and beliefs. She went through tough times when first migrated here from China and experienced WWII first hand, explaining her strong dislike for Japanese calling them ji pun gui translating to 'Japanese Ghosts'. She raised 10 kids, and many animals too. From her stories of feeding milk to piglets, catching chicken, feeding dogs, cats and most recently the rabbits during my era, she had many stories to tell. I tried to understand with my limited vocabulary of Hainanese and translation from the elders and was always amused. I fondly remember the times when we stayed over at her house during the weekends or school holidays when we would play Dum (she was really good at this!), Aeroplane board game, Shui Da Shui Xiao card game(who big who small, she was the one who taught us) and even Jenga and whatever toys we brought there.

I vividly remember I accidentally threw a wooden piece, probably a Jenga piece, to her and it hit her eye. I was so afraid at that time that she would go blind in one eye but she just smiled and assured me it's ok. I never dared to mention the incident again. Subsequently, I noticed a mark at her left eye which I thought I could have been the culprit, but I never asked and it will never be known.

Ah Po had a secret recipe for a salted fish soup which only she and my late eldest aunt knew. It was unique and I loved it so much that I would bug her to cook for me. But unfortunately, the taste is now lost forever.

I have always been fascinated by her daily schedule. She would wake up around 6am and have breakfast, flip the newspapers but just looking at pictures as she can't read, watch tv, take a nap, have lunch, tv again and then sit at the gate watching the neighbourhood and observing people till dinner. Recently, she would sit by the window and watch planes take off and even counting the number for the period. We all laughed when she said there were only 5 planes that took off for the whole morning. Haha it may be true afterall.

Mahjong. I still remember how it all started. The adults would play all afternoon and when it was their time for dinner, my sisters and I would scramble and invade the table pulling Ah Po along to play a couple of rounds before the adults came back. As we grew older, we would entertain her during the holidays and play from morning to night. And when she was losing, we would use our camera phones, stretch out behind her back while she was all focused on her tiles, and take a snapshot of what she had so that we could discard our tiles in her favour. Her toothless smile was always infectious and we were happy as long as she was happy.

Undeniably, we were her favoured grandchildren over time and she had my photo when I was younger, displayed in her room. We always loved that she could stay over so that it was more convenient for my aunt to bring her to her medical appointment the next day.

I guess those were the best memories I had with her over my short 20 years compared to her enriching 95. I was quite remorseful to leave her birthday celebration this year before cutting the cake but she urged me to go by giving the usual assuring smile. And perhaps the biggest regret I have is to not do what I wanted to do 3 years back - an English-Hainanese dictionary. I wanted to do it so that I could have proper conversations with her, but I gave it up and tried to learn it by mere listening and attempted speech. I didn't manage to master the language in time and had to make do with broken Hainanese all these while. I tried.

I was there when she left, and felt relieved for her to end the torture and discomfort she had. Although her biggest wish of seeing everyone come together was not fulfilled, I hope she'll leave everything behind and find peace and happiness wherever she may be. Rest in peace, Ah Po. Lu gai dun, Su Wee.

interested? find out.

I came across this question and answer thingy which is like a thing of the past. But the questions for this one seem quite interesting to answer So it's back to good old times, here it goes:

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Young.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Never trying.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Societal expectations.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

To the best of my ability, I'll walk the talk.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

The damage caused by human activities.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Football player-manager.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Settling for what I'm doing.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

No difference. At this stage, there's no other option. No job, no money, no talk.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Large degree. My actions thus far has resulted in my position today. Nobody really controlled my life, it has been in my hands all along, it's whether I realised it.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Doing things right. I believe my ethics and morals are in full control of guiding me to doing the right things. There's nothing to worry about that.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Find out their rationale for the criticism and attempt to reason it out.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Find the goal and work towards it.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

From death? Yes. But there are always circumstances to look at.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Unfortunately, no. Perhaps insanity is too strong a word to be associated with creativity. And it is also difficult to see full blown insanity in a conservative society.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

Listening more than talking.

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

Many don't see the simple pleasures in life and always seek to strive for the best. But there's always the normal distribution curve. To be contented with what you have or set out to have will make happiness easier to find.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

Owning a car. Waiting for the auspicious hour.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Nope, thankfully.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Japan. Class, nurtured, developed, relaxing. Their culture gives you the option of working hard for your reward and enjoy the ambience of pure vacation along the scenic countryside. Not to forget the climate.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Unless the light doesn't come on.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton.

22. Why are you, you?

It's in the DNA I guess. Character isn't moulded, it's inbuilt. Events can change the behaviour, but the character and personality will remain the same.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Yep. There's nothing I value more in a friendship than loyalty. I can say that I've been true to my friends.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

I'd vote for the latter. Very unfortunately, I never had a good friend who lives right near me. Always isolated in the far east of this island. Anyway, the move could be permanent of temporary, but the friendship remains. But to lose touch with a good friend next door is almost equivalent to losing a friendship forever.

25. What are you most grateful for?

Having clean water and food on the table.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

This is a tough one. I'll choose the former. Even though memories are built on the past and I had brilliant memories thus far, we must be looking forward to the future and not always dwell on the past. As a young adult now, there's a big world out there for me to explore, and I wouldn't give it up. To lose this capability would be equivalent to dying.

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Yea isn't it what we've been doing all these years in school? Aka mugging?

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

No. Close but not yet.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

It doesn't, honestly, to a large extent. However it was one of the many setbacks that made me who I am today.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

Going to my grandma's house every weekend and sometimes staying over with my cousin and aunt, watching cartoons, having the Singaporean breakfast, painting Easter eggs, playing board games or cards with my grandma, hopskotch drawn with chalk, pretending to chop down a tree with a small spade, manoeuvring my remote control jumping car around the yard, a badminton competition in the garden, pasar malam games with my cousins and the list goes on. Do I really need to explain what makes it special? These are things we will never ever do it again.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Times in NS. The outfield exercises that enabled you to stand on top of an armoured tank travelling at 50km/hr on the roads at 3am in the morning with your faced covered with camou paint, sweating like a dog, and a rifle in your arms.

32. If not now, then when?

When I finally have something to my name.

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Life? Pride?

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Yea I think so. Let the gaze do the talking.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

It is the love for conflicting items. People are all selfish and only care about what's beneficial to them. And coincidentally, what's beneficial to them is usually beneficial to others and a war starts for the right to own the common, scarce item.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

No. 'Without a doubt', no. We all assume what's good for the majority is good. But there would be doubts definitely. Is sentencing a prisoner to death good? Even if he's a murderer? Isn't there evil within the 'an eye for an eye' ideology?

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Nah, a million dollars can't last long.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Should there be 'work' I enjoy doing, I wouldn't classify it as 'work' anymore. So, the former.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Hmm, today, probably not a hundred times. It was a good day out with my mum and friends. Tomorrow, yes.

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Audit. What ever happened to the integrity and honesty assumed to be second nature?

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

Probably one of the crushes I had.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Nah. Never had the desire to be famous. And never saw the need to be extremely attractive.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Being alive is to breathe. To truly live is to enjoy life as you want to.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

When I have enough rewards to spare.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Some mistakes when made are life changing. Some mistakes when made there is no coming back. Some mistakes when made are unforgiveable.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Can't think of anything. I don't really bother about how people judge me. Everyone has their own opinion and I don't see a need to remove that right of theirs. Just do your thing, I do my thing. Peace?

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

When I was running?

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love the game of football. Everyone knows that. Probably my eye catching rant on twitter.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

In detail probably not. But I will remember this period of my life as the time I never had the need for an alarm clock.

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

It's complex for now. I guess I'm at the crossroads where whichever traffic light turns green for me, I would have to head that direction. However, I do have my route planned out by myself which I hope that from this junction, I'm able to find my way there. I'm on my own.

da best of hawker food (imo)

After all these years of being a Singaporean, I'm honoured to have tried some of the best of the best original local food. Since I'm in the mood for the food, let me share some of the best I've ever tried.

1. Hokkien Mee
> Bedok Camp Food Centre
Why good? - It just tastes good. You either love it or hate it. For me, I can't get sick of it, which I suspect they might have added nicotine or some addictive drug that keeps calling my stomach for more.
What's different? - It doesn't taste like the normal yellow and white hokkien mee, in fact, it's brown. It is smooth probably due to having more white noodle than yellow and hence holding more taste with each spoonful.

2. Char Kway Teow
> Old Airport Road Food Centre (Lao Fu Zi)
Why good? - It is the smoothest Char Kway Teow I've ever eaten, with sufficient wetness, evenly cooked, generous with the harm and will substitute it with fresh prawns if you don't eat harm. The chili kills, but ultimate shiokness.
What's different? - I heard they used some special broth to cook the kway teow before frying explaining the smoothness in every bite.

3. Carrot Cake (White)
> Zion Road Food Centre (Lao Goh)
Why good? - I never liked my carrot cake to be white until I tasted this. It's fried crispy on the outside and succulent on the inside with the just right flavour, correct mix of pepper and salt.

What's different? - Lao Goh is a deaf hawker who specialises only in selling carrot cake. The crisp and even mix of the chili throughout the cake completes the dish.

4. Carrot Cake (Black)

> Changi Village Food Centre (Middle row)

Why good? - It's good because I like my black carrot cake to have loads of egg, and this guy is quite generous with the egg!

What's different? - There can't be much variation with the black carrot cake and the seemingly extra egg mixture is my pitfall.

5. Wanton Mee

> Eminent Plaza at Lavender

Why good? - The noodle is thoroughly cooked with the right Q-ness yet soft at the same time. The char siew is normally sliced finely and the wanton together with the soup is sinfully tasty and refreshing.

What's different? - Portion. Unfortunately the portion is small and I usually eat at least 2 servings per meal. The gravy is the best part of the dish as there's this special taste that only they know what made it this good.

6. Tau Huey

> Old Airport Road Food Centre (Lao Ban)

Why good? - It is almost like custard which I prefer to the normal beancurd-like tau huey and it's absence of the strong soya taste. It still has the small amount of lingering soya yet sufficient for the taste buds. It isn't sweet like the traditional tau huey which adds a layer of syrup, yet sweet enough for you to crave for more.

What's different? - The texture sets it apart from the rest. They are able to remove most of the wetness within the beancurd even after digging a hole in it.

7. Duck Rice

I can't give exact details for this, as my memory failed me. But if you are keen on finding it, it's in Telok Blangah, hidden within a private housing estate.

What sets it apart is the braised duck which is nicely sliced and easy to bite. It isn't tough like the average duck rice.

However, Yu Kee Duck Rice in food courts usually earn my praise and satisfy the day to day cravings.

8. Chicken Rice

I used to be able to rank chicken rice, but gave up as it seems an impossible task with hawkers honing their skills to match up with one another. I had the rare chance of tasting the famous Chatterbox Chicken Rice at Mandarin Hotel many years back. Despite it's insane price, it is quality chicken rice with individual rice grains cooked such that it is soft but doesn't stick together and the chicken look like it went through many processes before ending up on the table. It was a unique experience and certainly worth trying for all.

I shall put a halt to the list for the moment, but these are among the best hawker food I've tasted thus far. Go try em!

wet wet weekend

i had 2 really interesting dreams the past weekend. one's really cool and probably inspired by real life events that i came across recently. it's been some time since i had to come out of such a sticky situation, but i think i handled it quite well.

the weekend had been too happening. almost quite crazy. class on sat followed by birthday celebration for 3 people and a very late night home on the night rider. almost a 2 hour long journey. i can reach KL if i spent that time in a plane.

soccer sunday as usual but this one was different because the match was abandoned after the downpour interrupted halfway. Soaked to the skin, was kinda glad i had the car and a few of us went for an early dinner followed by a 2 hour futsal under the new Thomson flyover site. Gave it all and my legs were all cramped and sore, but managed to get myself home safely. And then it was the most difficult part of the day. The washing up.

Spent a good one and a half hours giving the car a bath and then my extremely stinky clothes and boots a scrub before smelling like aloe vera myself followed by indulging in my secret recipe instant noodles. Dead tired by the end of it, but a really worth it weekend.

what about a job in the unemployment line?

I haven't had the dying urge or inspiration to blog about anything the past 2 weeks.

Life has been pretty mundane. Lessons, soccer, sleep. That's about it. However, I do feel kinda handicapped at the moment, having no source of income. It doesn't count as unemployment because: 1) I'm not actively searching for a job, 2) I still fall in the student and housewives category. But it almost feels like I'm an unemployed resource when everyone else is out there slogging, even giving tuition while studying.

I'm sure if I actively search for a job I'll get one. But it isn't easy studying and working at the same time. I'm not much of a multi-tasker. There's still the come what may mentality for this subject.

On a side note, I've been quite happy with classes actually. Despite all the complaining about the long hours, I feel that it might be the only thing that keeps me sane and occupied now. I've always been fascinated by how stuff works, and it's an eye opener for me to learn how everything in the economy falls into place as I piece one jig saw at a time. However, I do see more than what's on the textbook too. I've realised the stark difference between private and government education. One key area is competition and peer pressure.

And I've come to a conclusion that I rather do it now, than end up like so many others who are doing it when they are starting to bald or with an occasional kick in the belly. Press on everyone!

examination? what exam?

"Don't let a single examination ru(i)n your life."

That's a quote I recall from a note written by an encouraging teacher addressed to his students receiving their results the next day.

I've never believed in examinations, but accepts them as part of the process in grading. As much as we all want to get rid of exams, unfortunately, there's no better alternative to assess students. It's plain stupid to ask someone to 'prepare' for an examination, jail him for 2,3 hours and force answers out of his poor brain. You know why? Because even after a year of studying, probably 99% is lost within days or barely hours after the exam. The only thing that remains is called an impression.

I'm not anti-studying. But I don't believe in studying things that you will never get to apply. Yes, they may 'shape' your mind, train 'critical-thinking skills', or they may simply torture the brain and send it into a state of taking mental photos and attempting to reproduce at a certain time. In life, you don't have to store every thing in that confined space between your hair and eyes. There's something called a library which is defined as a collection of books and periodicals in a room or building. Or there's such thing as the Internet which has become indispensible, ubiquitous and the closest thing to what we label as our soul. There's no qualms that basic knowledge is required to be at the fingertips, but sometimes, academic syllabi are scarier than Frankenstein. The requirements and expectations are beyond belief.

Why the need for grading in the first place? Competition.

Haven't you realised we have been just fighting amongst ourselves? The perfect deception of friendships and schoolmates masking the ugliness of competition and making the overall outlook more humanly. Unfortunately yet again, that's life.

It's all about competition. In the ecological chain, or perhaps things closer to our hearts - money, success, careers, material goods, even mating partners. Competition is part of nature's selection process, but humans brought it to a whole new level. Complexity brought next to competition and we have a formula for insanity.

You may not have memorised all or even 50% of the facts in that 200 slides of lecture notes or 500 page textbook. You may not have practised enough questions of the ten year series for your pen-holding-hand to be raring to go instinctively at a similar question. You may not have mastered the skill of writing 3000 words legibly in 3600 seconds. Or you may not have the luck, stomach, energy to survive the unbelievable stress or the preceding meal that accidentally contained chilli padi.

In short, you may not have done well for an exam. Don't be discouraged, because if you have gave it your all, it just meant that you have not mastered the art of taking examinations. It doesn't necessarily mean that you lack the knowledge, wisdom or intellect to match up to others. It simply means, your score wasn't as high in this exam. There might not be a second shot at it. But it doesn't mean that there's no 'second' shot at life. It doesn't end here. It might not have opened as many doors or any door at all. However, there are always alternative routes to take and you might just end up at the same destination. All that is required is perseverance and the immense courage to stand up again after falling from what seems to be like a skyscraper. Be brave.

Or you may have gotten straight As. It MIGHT be due to your freakish intelligence level. Or it might just be because you've memorised the answer scheme. Or perhaps it was plain hardwork that got you where you deserve to be.

But please spare a thought to those who might not have done as well, be it up to individual, peer, family or societal expectations. Instead of boasting about the distinctions, scholarships, celebrations and bright futures. Maybe you can prove that you aren't just a competitor, but a true friend who's there to lend a shoulder, an ear, a helping hand and a mere presence to those in need.

I've been through obstacles and understand how it feels. Sometimes I don't regret having to go through the hard way. Because it makes me appreciate, learn from my mistakes, and ultimately a better, and stronger person.

Up and on.

emotions

I'm obliged to type something here.

I don't know why, but as of late, I've been sensing lots of 'feelings', not within myself, but within people around me. Be it positive or negative, I have this weird intuition that seems to be telling me to read into things. Or maybe it's just a conjuncture of many happenings.

I've been having a relatively neutral to fairly upbeat mood. Been the ever happy-go-lucky dude. So things have been pretty mundane. I was just doing the routine.

But it seems that some of my friends have not been having a good time. Some dealing with insecurities, parting, perpetual race against time, fatigue and even accidents. There again, there were joys of celebrations, parties, nights out, surprises, and the winning feeling.

Not only friends, the family shows signs of animosity, or probably should be down played appropriately to petty dislike or disagreement, to sense of longing, unspoken disgruntledness, boredom, loneliness, sympathy and 'oppression'.

There are too many things happening at the same time. It's like conducting a wedding and a funeral simultaneously. Sometimes I get confused whether to feel happy or sad as a result of these happenings.

And there are 2 things I really need to get done. It's been quite intriguing but I'm doing it nothing more than to ascertain everything's in order. The other, just to get it off my chest because someone's really really deviating from normal human behaviour, it's beyond insanity.

Come to think of it, I do have a depot of trains carrying thoughts at the moment. Just that I do not own the liberty to publish, nor bandwidth to document everything. However I must mention that I just rewatched Slumdog Millionaire and Up on tv and still find both as fascinating as ever. Both very well produced and scripted. But more importantly, both movies tingle with something humanly called emotions.

Overall, it has been a fascinating past 2 weeks. To cap it off, Liverpool won the league cup and I was literally shouting together with the uncles at the coffeeshop. No orchestra conductor could ever, ever better direct the harmony of voices that come together when the ball crosses the goal line. It's natural. It's a ... GOAL!!!

we were once young

i was looking through some photos and was feeling kinda nostalgic. it's amazing how far we've come and the changes we've gone through, be it for the better or for the worse. it's saddening to realize that the same feelings, same treatments would never be experienced again.

there's a speech vividly etched in my mind which was made by a successful man at a graduation ceremony, telling the graduates that their best times of their lives is over and everything would be going downhill from here. he urged them to stop studying and working and enjoy what they love while they still have the chance.

what he said was somewhat true. we've spent the peak of our youth in schools, slogging it out, memorizing formulas, facts, theories, essays, assumptions and dragging fatigued bodies and minds home everyday. we are probably looking the best we would ever look, be the smartest we would ever be, be the fittest we would ever be and the sharpest we would ever be in our lives. it's downhill from here. i would leave this topic here, because i know there's no point agreeing with him and start touring the world, spending all my assets and just die. it's impractical, and life's that unfair.

instead, i would like to talk about how it is still possible to relive memories and create new ones. i wouldn't say the night 2 days ago was the best night i had in years. because it wasn't. however, it was a night which my now very rational, very practical and overly matured mind would never have thought of spending it that way. to stay up, play console games, have a guitar session, driving out to hunt for thrills yet getting more bites than creeps, having prata in the wee hours, and finally getting a shuteye at 7am before embarking on an 8-hour long lecture. it's pretty crazy isn't it. i'm thankful for the company i had, and more importantly, the memories that were created. it's nights like these that digs deep within the close bonds we have for one another. whoever said "bromance" ain't healthy?

i appreciate that i'm not the only one making the effort to hold on to this bunch of close friends. everyone plays their part. definitely there would be signs of people wanting to break away, or just being distracted, but ultimately, when we all sit down and laugh about good old times, there ain't no strangers. these are good guys. as the crowd dispersed, you see who stayed, and who left.

as for another group, i have this feeling of it reaching breaking point. the jester, entertainer, intellect, extrovert is leaving. the vocalist, contributor, enthusiast, spark has evolved and grew wings. the politician, artist, flamboyant, introvert has become more than ever, interested in the non-mainstream. the bubbly, cool, extravagant has always been the most difficult to accommodate and still is. the nucleus, governess, sociologist is starting to lose interest and patience. the balance will cease to exist the moment witty comments and entertaining arguments are short in supply. it's even more saddening to see this happening. sometimes i feel tired being the one maintaining normal functions. even though there have been attempts to take over the reigns, nothing really succeeded. i don't mind being in this role because i would merely be playing my part to maintain the balance. however, the see-saw is tilting too much now. i have no idea how this will eventually turn out, but i hope for the best. i'm sure there would be comments like i'm exaggerating things etc. my answer to that would be to just sit back, flip through the albums, and think - isn't it happening?

happy valentine's folks

i can't make up my mind.

sometimes i'm glad for being single or just being left alone, doing my own things at my own time as it is so carefree, no restrictions, no limitations, no considerations, no burden, no expectations, no worries.

but at times, i feel solidarity, emptiness, purposeless, the lack of a dependent, confident and a true friend.

i really enjoy being alone in general. the idea of fending for yourself, the idea of planning your own schedule, managing your time and your life, the idea of being independent. the sweetness of freedom. sometimes i really wish to pop a champagne to celebrate the fun i'm enjoying by myself. from the times in ns, i've been caring solely for myself. it's easy. tidy and clean your own items, washing your own laundry, settling your own meals, copying for your own notes and reference, running like mad after the bus without worrying about others lagging etc. it's so easy. you don't have to give a shit about anything else except for yourself.

i genuinely love being alone. i love to plan my time such that i don't waste time doing unnecessary waiting, meaning being ON time instead of arriving early to wait. and sometimes the thrill of racing for time, knowing that your legs are the only variable mode of transport, meaning i've been running at the most unusual times and places. i love to stroll into class and walk straight to the back row at the corner of the room so that i have a complete view and knowing that there's no other pair of eyes watching you than the lecturer. i love to have the option of choosing when to listen intently and when to stare into space for no reason without anyone questioning. I love to walk in a general direction and start making convenient detours to settle my meals in cheap and good fashion, without caring about a second opinion what to eat. IN SHORT, i'm weird. Hooray!

Yep, those are some of the things that i like to do. But there are times when all of those don't matter and i just feel like turning to my right in class and start copying notes from someone else, or walking into class with an accomplice feeling less embarrassed when you are late, or having the spontaneous meal at the roadside coffeeshop drinking tea and sweating it out, or having a conversation about the scenery while i drive along the coast during sunset.

i have this horrible irony almost everyday of my life. to be alone or not? sometimes i pray my phone doesn't make a noise because i'm really too lazy to reply. but sometimes i wish someone would say hi and talk about the weather.

sometimes, i wish that i could finally stop blogging all these semi-fictional yet impulsive truthful crap and start telling someone what i'm really thinking about.

afk

Hi all. The mood for typing something here just struck me. It has been pretty awesome for the past 3 weeks. Yet, I still feel kinda weird. Hmm let's analyse.

The build up to CNY was hectic. I was helping with all kinds of chores at home, from helping to repair washing machines to air con units to window blinds to the coffee table. And normal housework like hanging the curtains and mopping the floor. Not to forget running random errands, buying groceries, flowers, pussy willows etc. It's all part of the CNY mood. I remember one of my friends telling me about how his family enjoy spring cleaning because the whole family will be assigned to mop certain part of the house and they do it altogether, inwards and ultimately they will meet at one tile. That is where they will sit down and enjoy a pizza together. How cool is that?

Even on the eve, we were still cleaning. Busy but worth it. And as per norm, reunion dinner with my grandma who's 97, have a perfect set of upper row teeth but none on the bottom. She's critical but owns an infectious smile.

We didn't go visiting this year so just camped at my grandma's place for day 1 and 2, playing cards and being quite lucky this year. Went for lectures as usual and I really look forward to attending some. Good lecturers are hard to come by, but I know one when I see one. Grateful to have them.

Spent a friday at sentosa last week to see some flower exhibition and simply to tour RWS. Had the feeling of holidaying. Then there's the shopping element at vivo after that. In short, a good day out with the family.

And then the supposed dreaded journey to the north. Had to miss the class reunion because of that. But it didn't turn out that bad either. I rather enjoyed myself bringing a positive mindset. The journey felt so much shorter with a cheerful discussion about our futures. And was pleasantly surprised by the newly refurbished hotel room that we always frequent back there. The dinner wasn't that bad, it was at a decent chinese restaurant near the hotel. And following that, I managed to catch Kuyt scoring the winning goal against Man U. So, I was over the moon. The holiday feel was there again. We spent the next morning shopping and had the long lost A & W for lunch before heading home. It was a good break in my opinion.

Cage after 2 weeks was somehow not competitive despite a clash of heads and owning a resultant bump. Irony isn't it. Accidents happen.

Had a great meet up with the soon-to-be-ang-moh-accented-singaporean. It was stress-free and lighthearted yet a knowledge imparting session. There's a bigger world out there.

Today marks the start of 6 months without my elder sister. Will definitely miss her but I guess we are of the age to finally spread our wings? The house will be feeling emptier now. I can already feel it. But letting go when necessary is a skill we must all master eventually.

nice?

let's see, i've spent my past week either

1. lectures

2. chores and maintenance

3. baking

4. counting cars

5. sleeping

brilliant.

apart from a bruised ankle from the match earlier, everything went pretty well. even an 8 hour long lecture on fri.

counting cars aka traffic survey was interesting. it's amazing how time flies when you are counting. it's as if you are counting sheep to sleep. anyway, it was for the quick buck, but good experience.

the cny mood is here! the spring breeze, the supermarket craze, the deco all over the house, the songs etc. but, as usual, i might have to spend it on foreign land once more. subject to confirmation of date. sigh.

sometimes i wonder, how is it possible to be so obsessed with oneself. is the world that small such that it can only be viewed through just a single lens? everyone else's opinion is wrong, irrelevant or insignificant. because the world is just about 'me'.

must i always give in? or can i finally be the one who's being disliked? it is said that being liked is so much easier than being hated, because if you are hated, at least you stood up for something in life. i don't know about that.

but i know that sometimes, somehow, probably i should just introduce myself as "Hi, my name is Mr. NOT-SO-NICE GUY. Scram."

your love is a song

it's been some time since i've been able to find a song worthy to be on repeat mode.

it isn't new, but a new discovery.

teo heng was fun as usual, followed by a stuffing xlb buffet at holland v which i downed 30 small dragon buns. far cry from my record but due to some attempts at stomach reduction, it is forgivable. had a couple of cage sessions, which was coincidentally followed by ANOTHER xlb buffet which i had probably 20 more. cage has been pretty good, i feel like i'm probably 75% of my peak fitness now. although it is impossible to hit 100% unless i go through another ns, i would be happy to remain at this level or even increase it to 80%.

sherlock holmes was great. missed the beginning though. stardust was even better. hahah for probably the 11th time.

classes had just begun, started quite well. managed to stay on pace most of the time. and had a pretty shocking moment upon chancing an old friend.

i feel tired. to be always trying to live up to expectations.

can't i just be like everyone else? am i too old for my age or are they too immature for theirs?