Twist of events

Initially, I didn't want to recount much about the past semester. But I thought, maybe, just maybe the past semester could prove to be a life changing period of time.

Dinner and Dance was fine, and could be deemed a huge success given the low expectations of everyone when they heard of the situation we were in. I have never said this to anyone, but how I felt after the event was somewhat weird. Normally, as an organiser of a big event, upon the completion of the event, one would feel relieved, happy, glad, burden dropped, etc I suppose? I felt none of it.

I was in a total daze.

Right after the prize presentation, there was the traditional photo taking on stage. Whilst I was still busy liaising with the DJ, emcees and even the buses for the after party, everyone was busy taking photos. And what pissed me off was when I was left scrambling to take my position at the side of the big group while the 'key people' were in the centre. I had to resort to sticking a head in just before the shutter went off. Isn't it amazing? What's more amazing is that, Facebook was flooded with photos after the event, and I realised everyone had a million of them posted while I had none.

Let's make things clear, I'm not unhappy over the lack of photos.

I was unhappy that people had the time to go around snapping while I was the only one running up and down ensuring everything ran smoothly, was on schedule, and all the teeny weeny details weren't left out. I barely had the time to breathe let alone take photos. Then the final group photo. To be left out and forgotten just irked me. It would be fine if I merely played a small role. But the fact that without doubt, I put in the most effort and amount of work into this, and I wasn't even remembered left me feeling utterly bitter.

What made things worse was that while everyone was happily hanging out with their OGs, I had no one to turn to after I was done with my duties. I felt so lonely. And that was when I felt my van probably felt me more than anyone else present. It was like everything was so foreign and alien, apart from my own vehicle.

Everyone packed their stuff and ran off to the club as expected, while I was left picking up the pieces. I don't feel sad about that, because I knew that was still my job. Signing the hotel bill, making payment to the vendors, collecting lost and found items, clearing up the holding room etc etc. I expected those and was really touched my OG pageant girl actually stayed behind to try to help or at least provide company to a worn out lonely guy.

I was never comfortable in the club as expected, and yea, back to taking care of the drunk and dealing with hotel issues crises at 4am. After the storm cooled when the sun rose, I decided that I had no place there and retreated to the van and drove home, where I truly belong. The drive home was extremely liberating. I remember driving up a flyover and upon reaching the top, a beautiful sunrise greeted me, as if telling me there are still better things in life to look forward to. A lot of drama unfolded that night, and I thought it would be wise to just forget about it.

Elections

I was in a big dilemma when elections came by. I know I said before never to go for another term, but circumstances forced me to reconsider the option. There was a lack of experience in the new team. And I was a bit greedy, attracted to the 'big 4' role and thought about how it would look nice on the resume. But ultimately, I decided against it, after looking back at the amount of commitment and dedication was required to get through the year. Even being in a non-executing role, the small bits and pieces here and there, plus the late night meetings reminded me how much time would be sucked away. There were many other considerations as well, like the people and new culture, my waning drive, and the larger issue of the recognition, the belief in doing so much that seems unnecessary in the eyes of the average student.

However, even though I didn't go for the elections, I am grateful for it. As through it somehow, I've managed to meet someone whom have got me thinking about the possibility of a happier university life and hopefully life in general. Till next time, tata.

Soul-Mate

Ok, before I start reviewing how the past 6 months has been, I think it is crucial that I introduce a good friend of mine, who ceased to exist as of 20 November 2013.

It has been affectionately called 'Kangoo' or sometimes 'Kangaroo' by my family. And it has earned the name, 'Van of Destiny' after serving the Dinner and Dance committee faithfully. Simply put, without it, the DnD would not have been possible. It belonged to my dad's friend, which it served as a company van, and when 10 years was about up, he bought a replacement and the ageing van was seen as surplus. So, that's how I got it, and was given the privilege to use up the remaining golden 4 months.

After effectively becoming an owner of a green dorky looking manual van, I finally understood why guys call their vehicles their wives. The fact that you spend so much time with it, sitting in the traffic, giving it a bath, introducing to your friends.. and when you are trying to reason your thoughts out loud or singing along to your favourite song that has come on the radio, it can be seen as talking or singing to it as it is the only listener when there's no one else with you. Over time, feelings do develop, no matter how hard you try to distinguish it between an 'it' and a 'she'.

The bulk of its usage was for dinner and dance, transporting people, goods, and was a shuttle bus for the photoshoot at the ulu Seletar. It was used for grocery shopping at Giant, speed racing from Tampines to Jurong when I was late for afternoon lessons and also a dinner companion when I resorted to dabaoing and eating alone. I actually spent quite some time at the back, doing my work, or waiting for people. There was even a play mat and carpet for those behind to have a more comfortable ride as the floor was pretty uneven and hard.

Besides the soft values of developing affection and taking care of it, I learnt the administrative side of owning a vehicle. Applying for season parking, insurance and pumping diesel for the first time.

No matter how hard I tried to protect and take care of what belongs to me, accidents still happen.

Similar to breaking your loved ones' hearts, I literally broke my friend. I swore I was aware of the low ceiling behind while parking, but taking your eyes off for a second proves too costly on the roads. Feeling remorseful and sad, I spent almost 3 hours cleaning up the glass shreds and patching up the rear window with a double layer of plastic to last its remaining days.

And when it was time to say goodbye, I took some final shots, albeit not very glamorous given the time constraint.

The short 4 months that had me holding on to the keys of my first wheels was indeed memorable. I gained even more experience on the road, while handling another type and model of vehicle, and more than not, strengthened my ideal that no matter what obstacles are in place, I must have my own set of wheels in future. While some argue that driving is a privilege for those who can afford it, especially in Singapore, I think it shouldn't be the case. Driving is more than just transport. The enclosed space within the vehicle gives off this sacred feel, and especially so if you have the right and good company. Even if you are without any human company, I believe the soul of the vehicle could provide a certain, unique, kind of companionship.

Farewell my friend, you came into my life and made a difference.

choppy waters

As promised, I'm back here. I foresee a long post.

I've been wanting to type something here for quite some time, but have never seem to be able to organise my thoughts. And that has got me to concur that I have changed over the course of the past year. As much as I want to say I have changed for the better, I would be lying to myself should I declare that. Indeed, I have learnt a lot but I feel like I have lost just as much.

I believe my mind has become more fragmented than ever. I can no longer absorb and store information at ease and will. And I feel like I am unable to express myself as articulately and accurately in words. In short, I feel like I've become more stupid than before.

Look at the number of "I"s that has been inserted into the above 2 paragraphs. My range of vocabulary has deteriorated. I was even impressed with my use of language after reading posts of yesteryears. As an undergraduate, how pathetic is that?

Perhaps it is true that I set high standards for myself, which has been highlighted by a couple of my course mates recently. But in actual fact, these so-called high standards fall way beyond the expectations of my family, more specifically my father.

Okay, if this goes on, it will be an extremely messy post. I have many issues to address and I think I should analyse them one by one like before.

1. Academic

As per norm, I had 5 modules for the past semester. Micro, macro, maths, research writing and korean.

I shall be honest with myself, I was lagging very badly for macro for the entire semester. I practically studied the whole module 1 week prior to the exams and didn't finish studying the last 2 chapters. It was a difficult module and a big jump from the basic level. I wasn't ready for it.

I was on track for the other modules but the revision was compromised because I spent a lot of time trying to catch up for macro. So ultimately I was barely prepared for all of the modules. Looking back, I think it was perhaps the right choice, given the grading system which emphasizes on consistency. I couldn't have foregone macro, I would probably fail it. Having said that, I really don't know how I am going to do for all the modules.

The build up to the exam period was frantic. I was rushing research writing like mad. It was like a PW all over again, just that it was much much worse, considering the group mates I had. The report was sooooo bad and was only about 70% complete 1 day to the deadline. The content had no depth, the analyses were so poor and the language was horrendous. I thought the work was done by a secondary school student. I don't mean to condemn others or make myself seem superior. But from the work produced, you can see the disparity between the various junior college graduates. This is a generalisation and does not hold for all, but I would say it is true for the majority. And the worst part isn't the lacking of ability, but the attitude and mentality. If you know me, you would know I am actually quite a heck care and easy going person. It is a miracle that there are people who are even more heck care to the extent that they intend to submit the first draft of the report. The draft that came directly from the head, the words that seem like a conversation with a friend, with no regard for format, tone and basic grammar. I don't know how they can bring themselves to call it a formal report. It's amazing.

I did what I could, doing up an introduction that flowed, but was chopped up and edited beyond recognition and sense. Only desperation on everyone's part gave me the license to churn out a brand new conclusion 5 hours to the deadline and to edit freely as I wished. It was a mad day. The stress level was sky high that day as I had to split myself to organise an exam welfare event which I did single-handedly because my assistant overslept.

It's even more puzzling how I managed to keep my cool and head that week. I was even putting on an act to make everything seem fine, cracking jokes and laughing things off when I was dying inside. Throw in the quizzes I had to study for during the period, I was a walking dead.

2. CCA

The politics sort of died down thanks to distractions from the outside. It seemed like everyone's passion rocketed in the opposite direction at the turn of the new semester or maybe just after the biggest event. They had their holiday mode on while I was still slogging it out. It was somewhat a one-man portfolio. Yet again, it's me myself and I who organised 3 full events. It would be too much to say I did every single thing, but I am certain that all those events would have failed spectacularly without my intervention. I have never seen that much need for leadership for any task throughout my life. Maybe I have been blessed with good company in which people would take turns to step up and make things happen at crucial times and am just not used to the lack of direction.

But it is through all these that I finally understand why employers are on the look out for leadership capabilities in their potential recruits. Not everyone's a leader. And without one, nothing moves. At the end of the day, there must always be someone at the helm, or maybe the not-so-glamorous backstage, putting in the extra effort to lay out the foundations, set a direction and ensure all the details have been looked after. It is only now that I understand the rationale behind the idea that those on the upper echelons should be paid more. And through all these, perhaps, just perhaps I can conclude that one is rewarded based on the amount of passion one has for a cause. The amount of effort put in may be proportionate to the reward entitlement, but what drives this effort boils down to raw passion, or in some context, pure desperation.

Anyways, I will give a more thorough breakdown on things when the curtain falls in August. But one thing's for sure, I will NOT go for round 2. It is unfortunate, because after everything I have gone though, with the valuable experience, knowledge and skills acquired, I am unable to contribute further. Yes, my ability is being recognised, and I am wanted in for another year this time at the highest position. But for the sake of my studies and sanity, I cannot assume another year in office. I must keep this thought clearly in my mind and hold on to it dearly, because there will be a string of persuasion and psycho-ing coming up which I must fend off.

I think psychologically, I have been affected somehow. I have become mentally unstable. Okay, not literally, but somehow I feel the accumulation of all the recent events has taken a toll on me. Perhaps posing a challenge to my mental toughness. It may sound weird, but I have been talking to myself more than ever. Everyone has that little voice in the head helping you with decisions day in day out. That little voice of mine has become so loud I end up treating it as another person and verbally speak to it. It doesn't help that I spend about 70% of each day on my own, and large parts of it listening to sad piano pieces or movie soundtracks. Ain't I weird?

I read this somewhere on the net, probably on some confession page:
I know you are very capable living alone, but will you be happy living life that way?

And my answer to that is:
Maybe not, but given the circumstances, I can only make the best out of it and spend my time productively.

Okay I am out of context already. Back to the topic.

I am mentally unstable probably due to the range of characters I have to deal with. It is agreed that it's a life skill to be able to talk to people from all walks of life. But it shouldn't be taken too seriously. It is extremely tiring to constantly alter your speech content and language to cater to your audience. I can be talking in Singlish for a moment and the next I have to turn all artsy fartsy, inserting puns into witty comments or drafting an email blast to the school in a formal yet informal tone. Following which I have to interact with people who have a lower English proficiency and the small talk comes out, which has no value and often accompanied by its good friend named awkwardness. And then I have to get all task orientated and send emails to external vendors in a professional tone. Then I have to go back to kindergarten level, speaking in broken Korean. It is really demanding to be the man with many masks. I probably lost my true self somewhere along the line.

All of this can be attributed to the same problem. Me taking up too many things. Here's a list of my involvement.

- Main Comm, Welfare Director
- Dinner and Dance, Financial Controller
- Convocation, Logistics Director
- E FOC, Group Leader IC
- H FOC, Senior Attached
- UOC, Programmer
- Hall Soccer

That should be all I guess. The first two's enough to kill. I still have my Sunday league which usually burns half of my weekend. And that sort of sums up my semester. Sleep is usually the first and easiest to compromise, because everything else has a deadline.

3. Finances

I haven't been spending much. Not much eating out at restaurants, merely canteen food. I even save on transport since I drive on most days. However, my accounts receivables are at a record high. The school owes me about a thousand for reimbursement, friends over a hundred. So, the overall accounts are pretty healthy at the moment. Can't speak for the holidays though, I've got quite a bit to spend on. I need to replace my sports shoes, street shoes, tights, and looking to get a decent sound system and a dslr. Should I stay in hall, I may need to buy a fridge. That's really a lot to spend on. The tights that I wore for nationals.. lost it at a match, I'm still quite sad about it.

I've been treating the family for some of the entertainment expenses, so, I foresee a tight budget this holidays.

4. ACCA

Exam in a month, should be able to cope since it's a pretty mathematical mod.
I am contemplating overloading to 2 mods next sem since I'll be dropping CCAs and in view of a hopeful exchange trip. See how it goes.

5. Complications

There were some complications which I think started in Feb or Mar. To be honest, I do not even know the exact details, till now. It wasn't a pleasant experience, it might even be termed somewhat annoying. Having said that, I admire the courage and true nice intentions and also applaud the persistence displayed throughout for so many weeks. At least my message was passed on subtly, yet so brutally.


Even I lost interest typing this post, so I guess it's time to stop. The bulk of the happenings of the past semester have been covered anyway. I shall reflect on random stuff the next time round. Tata.


(Should anyone concerning the above content happen to see this post, please pardon my bluntness. I was at full ranting mode and censorship was at the minimal, if it's existent at all.)

ranting evaluation

i have so much on my mind now, it feels like it's gonna explode.

i don't want this post to be a one to seek sympathy, or attract consolations or even encouragement.

i want this post to be a benchmark, a reminder, an unpleasant souvenir, of the tightest time frames i have faced and the lessons i have learnt.

i am a strong believer of the idea that in this world, ultimately you are on your own.

people can stick around, say hi, then bye, or pretend to be around, or don't even bother to pretend, say something, but do nothing.

i have learnt that i can depend on no one. no one. when it comes to work.

the trust i've invested, have been betrayed time and time again. at the end of the day, i will always be the one cleaning up the mess, because nobody else bothers.

my entirely life, i've been taught to be humble, and i'd like to believe i have been modest. i have humility.

but after all these years, being the quiet, shy, nice guy, i have come to realise that the values i embrace tightly and display unconsciously are just two - respect and being considerate.

there were times when pranks were played, jokes were cracked but deep in my heart, there's still respect.

these are values which i believe, as a civilised person, you should have.

but no, it's not the case.

i am thoroughly disappointed with the people i've met thus far. not all, but enough for me to conclude that these are people who haven't got the right mentality and values to be good citizens.and perhaps, it is true, i am at a dumping ground, to put it bluntly.

i have become even more appreciative of the genuine friends i have made throughout the teenage years.

i have identified none, that is, zero true friends thus far.

i can't foresee myself going on exchange with any of these people, and having a great time.

i don't think i can ever find fyp mates that are on the same wavelength, decent work ethic, and task oriented. i have not met anyone normal. the type of people who i have been so used to. the good, the genuine, the true friend.

no one cares. there is no respect. no one is considerate. there is no quality. there is no maturity.

i am on my own.

i gave up squatting because it was never comfortable.

i look forward to driving to school at eight thirty every morning and have my own productive time while the world's still asleep. attending my lessons, vanish from school, back to the comfort of my family.

i've enjoyed it, yet there are times when i stare into space and wonder, is this going to be my uni life? the final phase of education. is it going to fly by just like this?

one academic year concludes soon. time flew by so damn fast, it's unbelievable. what's four years then?

i need to pull through these few weeks.

then i will sit down, evaluate and see what needs to be done, or rather, be added with a full stop.

Annual Report: Year 2012

This is late. But better late than never. I was never going to miss documenting one of the most happening years of my life.

If I were to give an overview of the year, I would say twenty twelve has been the most unconventional twelve months. It hasn't been another boring school year, nor a year behind guarded fences, but one which I had lots of freedom. There was hardly any restrictions, for once, I felt I had control over my own life.

It was unconventional because I was studying part time, 4 days a week for half the year. Yet, I was taking up odd jobs like being a traffic surveyor, counting cars at weird timings. To be honest, it was quite an interesting job. Good pay, simple, mundane, but time goes by reasonably quickly. I don't regret doing it because it was flexible and gave me a unique experience unlike the good old desk bound jobs.

Twenty twelve marks the year which most of my friends had their 21st. I was attending birthday parties after parties. Organising birthdays, getting presents, spending money. And one of the highlights of the year would be my own birthday. Kudos to my buddies and especially Ying Lun for masterminding the plot. I was genuinely surprised and felt appreciated being part of the group. I never wanted anything for my birthday even though it was my 21st because I never liked being the centre of attraction, but it was somewhat good to have a party to make it convenient for all who care.

Thailand 7- 12 July  

I really really enjoyed the trip. It was one of the best, if not best holiday trip I had. Just thinking of it makes me smile. I guess it was the company that made the difference. Like I mentioned before, there is a balance in the combination of the group. Perhaps it could have been better if Ivan and Chris joined, but I was thoroughly satisfied with the dudes I've known for almost a decade. I have to admit there were a couple of times I questioned myself whether things were out of control but looking back, it's things like these that create memories. 

Phuket was crazy. There is no way Singapore's night scene can ever match up to theirs. There are no rules, everything's cheap, it could be real fun if one really lets loose. Bangkok was brilliant, because it gave my wardrobe a needed boost. Massage was outstanding. Food was cheap, mouth watering and did I mention cheap? Even though I had a few rounds of diarrhoea, maybe it was still worth it.

HSS Camp 16- 20 July

I really really enjoyed the camp. The people are great, genuine and really care about you, at least for my group. I don't care what went on behind the scenes, but as a freshie, I thoroughly enjoyed the programmes. The school games, beach games, amazing race, fright night, SP night, everything. I would like to specially commend fright night because I could see the amount of effort that was put into it. Behind the scenes, the make up, the set up, the planning, the budget and the screams. It was great. As much as I want to commend SP night, it wasn't the programme that made it good. I'm glad to have gotten a good SP who I had no problems connecting with. It made me feel like a boy all over again. The interaction night was enjoyable despite all the lame disturbances and maybe the rain made it even more memorable. I had long forgotten the value of one on one conversations and having to sit in the field (or rather lie in the field) under the stars for a good 3 hours blind folded made the conversation all the more heartfelt and sincere. 

Being chosen for pageant is an honour. I've never seen myself as good looking or a head turner, and never thought I would be asked to join, accepting the fact that I'm just the average Joe. Hence, having to face the dilemma of to join or not was somewhat fresh to me. However, the seniors were pretty good at convincing. One of the reasons I joined is because they said pageant isn't all about looks, but personality which is something I am pretty satisfied with. And so there I was after much consideration.

The entire pageant experience was cool. To be out of your personal comfort zone and do stuff that ain't you gives you the chance to experience new things. It's not every day that you go to a studio and practise cat walking, awkward poses, going to the sponsors' shops trying out colourful outfits and doing intense workout at home in the middle of the night. The most challenging part of pageant was perhaps the Q & A. It was stressful thinking of witty answers on the spot when the entire hall's staring at you. It's true, preparation makes a whole lot of difference. Those that you can't prepare for boils down to how good you really are.

Union Camp 21 - 27 July

I didn't enjoy the camp, unfortunately. I don't want to make this public, but I guess it's the people. Ain't my type of people. However, I shall not disregard the quality of the programmes. The games were good, very competitive and I played my part in helping my group retain the title. The SP night wasn't good though. Interaction night was poorly organised. Everyone was lumped into the same open space, and there were a thousand conversations ongoing at the same time, making the place sound like a market. What was unique about their SP programme is that everyone gets 2 SPs and the girls get to choose which guy they want. And instead of having a night, it's a day date where we get to go anywhere we want. For most cases, it was a group date as the girls would prefer to stick together. For my case, we went to Ippudo Ramen for lunch and then Scape's PlayNation. Haha this is embarrassing but I was sleeping throughout PlayNation when they were playing the dancing game. Really couldn't help it. I was dead tired. Sleeping on a date is really unforgivable and I achieved that. Feel bad for my SP. 

All in all, UOC's a pity. It could have been brilliant. 

CCA - Committee

Since I've mentioned before I shall leave it as that. But it has been a major part of my twenty twelve as I spent a hell lot of time on it. I was particularly stressed during the build up to my event and with all the politics surrounding it, it just made everything worse. Ultimately, everything pulled through and fell into place. Not without hard work, not by chance, I'm crediting myself with the success. 

Even though it hasn't been a pleasant experience overall, there were heart warming moments that motivated me along the way. Despite having me grumbling about their lack of initiative and competency, they stood up when it mattered, and I'm really grateful to them. It's those times when you thought you are all alone and tada, help arrives, and they are real serious about their job. So thank you subcommers.

Curriculum

It has been a relatively comfortable combination of mods for me the past sem. However, I did not do as well as I should be doing. Macroecons, accounting, statistics and even critical writing which is similar to GP. The only challenge should be my Maritime elective which is too easy every scored full marks except me.

It's all about discipline from now. Putting words into action and doing consistent work. 

Soccer

I've spent almost every Sunday afternoon with them. Battling out on school fields across the island. I practically increased my knowledge of roads by simply visiting different schools every week. Inevitably, I'm starting to feel the chemistry in the team. Everyone knows their role and we've been playing some good football. Pumping long balls and aimless clearances has been a thing of the past. We are even confident of passing the ball across defence now. Kudos to the team.

Hall Soccer. It wasn't a significant part of my year but I spent a decent amount of time training with them and hopefully we will do well for IHG. Let's go Greyhounds!

Hong Kong, Guangzhou, Shenzhen, Macau 17 - 27 Dec

The trip was somewhat memorable. I was sick almost the whole time and wasn't able to fully enjoy but a vacation is always welcomed.

Hong Kong in my opinion is similar to Singapore, reasonably clean and developed. Unlike China, whose air is unbreathable. Cigarette smoke and stench everywhere. Despite the bad air, I would still classify it as bearable. What was unbearable was the behaviour of the Mainland Chinese. They were selfish, boorish and uncivilised. Everywhere they went they displayed such ungraciousness, it was a pain and disgrace to watch. I was utterly disgusted. While it is a generalisation, I finally understand why locals are finding it hard to live with them. The culture difference is way too large for anyone to accommodate.

Macau was purely casino. It's like they've lost their identity, or maybe they've chosen to adopt the identity of a country of casinos and gambling. It's saddening to see a nation thriving on vices.

Overall, the trip was an eye opener, and made me appreciate Singapore even more. It reminded me that it is almost impossible for me to shift to a foreign land. While I am able to adapt, home is the place where I am fully comfortable and glad to be.


I guess that sums up the highlights of the year. It was a year well lived, extremely eventful and really appreciate each and everyone who made the year possible for me. If it's possible, I kinda wanna set a resolution to throw away my phone for twenty thirteen. It has been a huge burden, it is looking more and more like a brick than a phone.The whatsapp groups are killing me and that's why I wanna play as small a part in every group possible. Whatever it is, it's impossible in today's context.

Twenty thirteen I foresee will be an equally busy year, and I think I am ready for it.

Afterall, we've survived the supposed end of the world on 21 December 2012, what can be harder?

Happy New Year, guys!

my thoughts are with you

To my wonderful friend Alwyn: 

Get well soon. Stay strong. You can do it. 

Don't forget, You'll Never Walk Alone. 

We are all here with you..

Sold My Life

There has been too much going on, too much in my head. Somehow there's this void, emptiness, as if my body has lost its soul.

It's easy to point a finger at anything else and everything else, but maybe I should start with myself. Ultimately, I've concluded that I haven't been doing any self-reflection to be accountable to myself.   

And having said that, I think I'm too much of a perfectionist. It took me quite some backspacing and retyping to churn the above 2 paragraphs out. And because of that, I've decided not to think so much about what I've typed, but just type. I spent hours on a single writing assignment, I don't want to spend more hours restricting and scrutinizing my own words. So, this post might sound incoherent because I'm just typing freely, like what I used to do before everything started to get complicated. So don't bother reading too much into this, it is perhaps just what it seems to be. That straightfoward, for once.

To the issue of having a void, there's no denying that everyone would love to have emotional support and just someone to hang around with. It's too gay to find a guy for this role. Yes, finally to the topic of having a partner in crime.

I've been through camps, through all the traffic light games, shoot shag marry etc etc. People questioned. And sometimes I couldn't even answer. The common reaction when the word "evergreen" was mentioned is "don't bluff". Is it that hard to believe?

Yea, I wouldn't mind a partner. That is, if you manage to find one. And after each despairing interrogation, the common conclusion drawn is that I'm too picky. Really? I believe in finding the right one. Not simply hooking up for the sake of having the temporary fun and filling of the void. I'm looking for someone of the same wavelength, who I can stand looking at day in day out, and someone who can stand looking at me day in day out. I just haven't met that person.

I don't believe it's impossible to meet someone who shares the same beliefs and values. I've got friends who are the complete opposite of me, trying to induct me into their kind of lives. Sometimes I wonder how long more I can hold out before finally succumbing to peer pressure.

Yet, I'm sure it would take a great deal for that to happen. My perseverance remains my strongest asset.

I'm not saying I'm good or the best, but it's really really sad to see how girls fall for the worst guys. I see things from the inside, and there really aren't many good guys around. Sometimes, even I get deceived when making a judgement and recently, it just got me into a year of problems. I should have guessed, but I just took my chances. Afterall, I didn't have much of a choice, until a genuinely familiar good guy appeared out of the blue which made me regret my decision.

Which brings me to the topic of Hall. Too many people asked me until I forgot the real reasons. So here they are:

1. I didn't have a roomie.

2. I didn't want to get allocated a bad roomie.

3. I didn't want a non-aircon hall, didn't want to take my chances.

4. I foresaw that I would need to stay someday somehow, so I needed to get a room somehow.

5. That means squat.

6. If I applied for hall, and got a non-aircon hall, or lousy roomie, and I must reject it, I can't squat for the year.

7. I wanted to drive to school for convenience to the inaccessible Jurong. Staying in hall meant I can't drive.

8. Hall costs $230 a month, I have to fork that out myself - that's more than half my monthly allowance.

9. Parents aren't supportive because they are  afraid I would be too engrossed with hall activities and end up not studying.

I think that's about it.  

And then came the CCA.

What really happened?

I had no clue what was the club about. I didn't even know it's like the Council of the school. I was just asked to go for it by a senior. (I'm pausing at this moment to evaluate how much I should divulge here)

I needed a CCA, but I didn't know what to go for. At that moment, I was a very happy kid, going to school at 8.30am every day, and leaving by 5pm daily. Any spare time was spent in the library. I was on the ball. It always starts with this right, at every phase of my life. I start great, I end like shit.

Anyway, there weren't many CCAs available that attracted me. There was no way I would go for sports. I wanted a slack one but yet something that would help my resume. There weren't many.

And so, I happened to pass by the Club booth and was brainwashed by a senior who's in there. For the first time, I just brushed it off. Until the application deadline day. I was reminded to submit the form. It was last of my priority. I was more concerned with doing my tutorial. And I left it to the last 2 hours. Which I had a tutorial which ends half an hour to the deadline. I collected the form before the tutorial, thought of something to crap about, printed a photo of myself from the intranet and just filled in the required blanks. The tutorial was extended and I ran down with only 5 minutes to spare and submitted the cui application. I didn't even know it will be shown to everyone in the school.

That was how the tagline came about. Under immense stress and time constraint to fill in the blanks. And tada, I was in deep sheet.

I had to do campaigning which I had no clue how to do. I didn't even have a decent picture. I had the balls to go up during a lecture and snatch the mic and scream for votes, but I just didn't see the need to. I wasn't desperate enough to get it. I still had the come what may attitude.

One day to elections and I bought snacks like m&m, cheezels and twisties to give away and buy votes. But there were no lectures on that day. And I had to finish the snacks myself. Great.

The only comfort I got was that I had my OG to help me and a little bit from everywhere due to pageant. And I put up a strong fight, but still lost to a popular senior. Managed to force by elections, as the votes didn't meet the required threshold.

Twist of events, my competitor backed out, citing personal reasons. A new guy came in, but no one knew who he was. And I managed to win by taking two thirds of the votes.

Things started to get really busy from then. Meetings, co-option to search for my assistant, sub-committee interviews and all the events. I spent my free time wrecking my brain for new ideas, sending emails, looking for good deals etc etc. I sold my life for a nominal fee.

Ok maybe it might be all worth it at the end of the day. But I didn't expect the politics to be THAT bad. It's like a war. It's the type of people as well I guess.

The only good thing is that I'm guaranteed a hall next year and I AM getting a single room at all cost.  Till I find a good roomie,  I'm not gonna stay a double. I like to live my own life, without disturbing others, and without others disturbing me when I do not want to be disturbed. I'm guilty yet proud of throwing my phone at one corner sometimes for the entire day and derive joy from it.

This post is probably long enough to make you fall asleep. So I'll end here. There are still the long over due posts for Thailand, the camps and pageant. Some other time I guess.

Tata.

wake me up when September ends

I promised to type a few words here.

If I really have to start, it would date back to months ago, and I doubt I have the time and stamina to do so, unfortunately, at least not at the moment.

Uni life so far has been nothing but eventful. It's crazy. The camps, the dnd, the school work, the cca, the social life. I'm simply drained.

Everything happened so quickly. There was no time to stop and think. I haven't touched the newspapers in a long while. I haven't had the time to go for a leisure run. I haven't tasted salted popcorn in ages. I haven't been given the chance to say "Hi, how are you doing to my dear friends" because I have some 20 whatsapp group chats which rings non-stop. My phone has been screaming overload and it's only normal to reset it 3 times a day.

I realised that when I'm really busy, I get insanely busy.

What sort of magic is this?

quickie

ok, my last post was effectively, 1 month ago.

been too busy with stuff. there was the thailand trip, then the orientation camps, which i have mixed feelings about.

anyways, i shall find time to blog about my endeavours this week. to sum things up, the past month has been significantly memorable, for the better and also for the worse.

I'm human

I am puzzled as to why I am so affected by a single comment.

Am I not opened to criticism? Do I not know myself? Am I oblivious to the tension? Don't I sense all these?

Here are the answers to those questions.

I know myself very well. I know where I stand in terms of intellect, fitness, social skills, talents, flair, appearance etc. I was and will never be the smartest, fittest, popular, talented, good looking fella. But there's one thing I'm sure of. I work hard for what I believe in.

I don't strive to be the best, but I strive for the best I can be. I'm very much happy to be the average Joe or the Jack of all trades good at none, because I know that's me. If you are born and blessed with a talent, thank your parents. But if you came to this world with nothing extraordinary, but worked from scratch to your best, and realised your best is not enough, what else can you do?

If there's anything at all that I'm given, I would say EQ. I can read situations well, and sense things. I may not respond in the best way to the situation but I KNOW what's the best. It's a matter of choosing to react in that certain manner.

By nature I'm an introvert. It runs in the family. No denying. I rather spend the day lying in bed reading a book than to go out to havoc with friends. I'm very comfortable on my own, a master of solitude and might even work better alone. Here's the big BUT, I've made decent effort to socialise, make new friends, small talks, feint smiles, thinking furiously of ways to keep awkwardness away etc. That's the effort to go against nature, to help improve myself, stepping out of comfort zones. I could very well be like my sister who is an extreme introvert but I chose to fight it and be forced upon by the environment. Here's another but, BUT, there are limitations. You can have hundreds or thousands of friends on facebook, but what's the use when no one truly cares about you?

The social experiment I did was to remove my birthdate from facebook and see how many happy birthday wishes I received. The result was nil. And I was damn happy about it. Because I encountered zero hypocrisy, insincerity, or saying for the sake of saying greetings. I gave up wishing happy birthdays to people for the sake of saying. What's the point of adding another wishing to a LONG list of identical words? Does it make the day more significant or memorable? Does it make it any happier? So what happens next? Another 2 words 1 year later?

My point is, a wishing should be genuine, personalised, sincere, coming from someone truly concerned. There is no need for anything less. All or nothing.

Back to the topic, I'm in fact very opened to criticism. That's because I'm my biggest critic. So whatever's thrown at me, if logical, should have already been processed in my brain. I usually accept what's been said about me, but I cannot accept fictitious accusations or baseless criticism. Back up facts with your claims and I would gladly be reminded of my shortfalls and improve on it. It's best to attach constructive suggestions.

There is no sarcasm intended, even though it sounds like I'm angry or pissed, I'm not. This is just a reflection of my character and thought process which might well be flawed in the eyes of many. But I'm pretty satisfied with how I am now. Which I think should be a goal for adolescents of this age - finding your true self.

I never fancied trying to break into cliques that are already established. For some, it might seem easy and seamless. Unfortunately, I'm not someone who's able to hit it off with any and everyone, but I still try, especially when people are trying to include you.

That's not much of a problem. The problem comes when one moment they seem inclusive and the next you realise you are working so hard on your own to be part of an exclusive group. It's totally confusing.

Sure I don't mind joining. But it's too painful to be on the fringe, especially when what we are talking about aren't professional contracts, simply a recreational interest group.

I have to admit that I'm no saint myself. I fully understand the thoughts of the insider, putting myself in their shoes and even been part of it before. Having to decide whether to get rid of the people you dislike, or those not keeping up with the group. It's easy to do it. Just exclude from the RSVP list. However, the difference between me and them is that I'm sure of the person I'm getting and won't be put in this position because of my prior decision.

Think through before deciding, make sure you are convinced it's the right decision and stick with it. Don't be wishy washy fickle minded and let emotions have the better of you. List the conditions, pre-empt, forewarn, do whatever you need to before getting your guy. You are dealing with a human being. Not a pawn.

The final words after reflecting. I'm not angry or pissed because of this situation. I'm frustrated with how things are done. Decide yes or no, in or out. If in, all the way, no halfways. If out, end it. Not happy with your guy, tell face to face, agree on the problem, give constructive advice to improve. Don't forget, it was your decision to include, stick with it.

If this doesn't take a turn for the better, I'm no puppet. I need a reminder of the cause I'm fighting for and if it's worth my effort, blood, sweat and tears. I'm human.

June 11

Haven't blogged for a while, just a quick copy and paste.

Chanced upon this, and found this to be astonishingly accurate. I don't really believe in these sort of things, but this is too true to be true. (Less the lovers part)

Did a social experiment as well, and my hypothesis was right after all. Details next time.

Anyway, linked from http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/june-11-birthday-astrology.htm

GEMINI INFORMATION FOR JUNE 11

You should embrace: Calm, happy memories, yourself the way you are
You should avoid: Going to extremes, dogmatic behavior, hypocrisy

Although they need a great deal of personal validation, geminis born june 11 possess an ego strong enough to support their grandiose ambitions. They possess superb leadership qualities and have the potential to make a difference in the world.

Friends and Lovers

June 11 people are basically loners who prefer the company of a few close friends to a wide variety of pals. They are extremely romantic and fall in love many times. However, they want love to be more than it is and frequently draw controversy into their love lives without even realizing what they are doing.

Children and Family

June 11 natives have a great belief in family values. They tend to pursue a strong interest in family matters long after they have left home. As parents, they are concerned about doing their best. Although they may be committed to career responsibilities, they try hard to make time for family life.

Health

Because of their somewhat moody disposition, june 11 people may suffer from real or imagined ailments brought on by their emotions. These health problems usually abate when they are happy. Some deal with their emotions by eating or drinking too much. It is important for them to learn to protect their emotional well-being from these tendencies.

Career and Finances

June 11 individuals like to lose themselves in creative occupations that give them the opportunity to express their inner dreams and fears. Because they are not ambitious in the traditional sense, they can benefit from the help and advice of a mentor.

Dreams and Goals

June 11 natives are often daydreamers and not particularly goal-oriented. They're more likely to "feel" rather than "know" how to go about making their dreams come true. However, they have faith in their abilities and work hard to make their dreams come alive.

i belong to Pluto

This is random.

I just read a number of posts from my secondary and college days and was totally engrossed. The style of blogging was so different. I practically reported everything I did in a day, every thought I had in my mind and there were still at least a dozen people reading. I was so young and naive, emphasizing young.

Times have changed. Things begin to complicate, people change and we will never get back to doing those stuff again. To put my posts in a nutshell, I was basically playing soccer every other day during my secondary school days and having track training during college. The only similarity between the two periods was me trying to do the bare minimum to pass my academic subjects.

I realized I was quite a funny dude. Or maybe I was trying too hard being lame. Those were the days where I could type a thousand word post without even hesitating, without even bothering what opinion would be formed as a result of a certain word or sentence published.

I can't believe we are all turning 21 this year. Somehow, I feel unwilling, reluctant and even a small extent of fear to grow up. All my life, I looked forward to growing up, getting a job and starting a family. Then, this sudden jolt came out of nowhere and brought me to reality. From now on, I can no longer talk and act without thinking, do stupid things, worry about scary teachers, getting a disciplinary record, have a conversation about toys and games. In fact, what I find myself worrying about is not having sufficient knowledge for my future job, not being competent, lagging behind in current affairs, networking, social statuses and money.

It's the commencement of this really boring period of life. Yes, we have been complaining all our lives about how boring wearing a uniform to school is. But there is no denying we had so much fun and laughter during those years, more than enough to compensate for the fatigue, syllabus and examinations.

Flip the page. This new chapter, you are on your own.

There are those days when I watch the news or read the papers with so much enthusiasm and eagerness to learn. And there are those days when I feel obligated and forced to gain the knowledge. The corporate world seems like a complete facade. Politics makes it worse. Honestly, I'm so sick of following the issues on the train breakdowns, the really stupid system of COEs which I'm so tempted to blog about it, the high housing prices, the 'unlucky' 50 over men, the immigration policies, Myanmar's democracy transition, N Korea's famine vs nuclear ambitions, Libya's and Syria's fighting, Euro's credit and debt crisis, Australia's PM's waning popularity, Egypt's struggle for power and China's every movement.

Sometimes I feel like just finding this piece of rock, preferably at least 2m in size, so that I can hide under it and live in peace.

The pressure is on, what has the world come to? Rather, what kind of world have I grown up to face?

happy dilemma

It is a rarity that I post 2 entries consecutively. But the exception this time round is because I wanted to dedicate the previous post entirely to an activity that played such a life-changing role thus far.

This post would cover some of the thoughts I have encountering one of the biggest decisions I have to make in my 21 years.The time has come and I've been offered 2 different courses in 2 different universities. Honestly, I've been caught off guard. I never expected to be in this situation, especially when the 2 courses are equally appealing to me. For now, I have to find out the merits and demerits of both courses by asking the insiders, but more importantly, start studying for my exams in June!! No time!

Here's a sincere apology to my friends whom I've neglected for the past few weeks because I have this immense lethargy as of late and never had the heart to hold decent conversations be it through the phone or face to face. I guess it's the niggling call from the books, urging me to enter their world, and leave the social universe temporarily. Or maybe it's the untimely bug that struck, making me feel weak as ever and locked up in the world of my own. Whatever the reason is, sorry for the unresponsiveness. BRB (when the feeling's right.)

Slaves to machines?

It has been a year since I had the luminous orange triangle up. Today marks my graduation from the probation period which I must say I've been a pretty obedient driver.

I am one of those few retards who would prefer to take the wheel instead of the back seat. Ever since I sat in my dad's car when I was young, I've been fascinated by how one is able to operate and manoeuvre such a powerful machine, and exceptionally impressed by the manual gear stick. However, when it was finally my turn to take the front seat, I realised the true destruction power of such a machine.

Today I sit here typing this post as a relatively seasoned and experienced driver, and someone who would count his blessings after going through a traumatising road accident merely weeks after getting the license. It's nothing like bumper cars at the night markets, it's expensive, emotionally and physically draining and more crucially life threatening. I could have lost my arms or legs, or even life should the occurrence sequence had twitched by a second or two. It is that serious.

After going through that incident, I've learnt the importance of safety on the roads as everything happens in a blink of an eye. The lives of you and your passengers lie in your reaction and judgement in that split second.

And in order to hone the attributes to save lives or minimise damage, experience and skill in operating the vehicle is vital. I've been through other tests and came out tops, be it owing to sheer luck or judgement and skill, but I've learnt from every experience I had on the road. And I don't deny I put in extra practice on slopes, changing gears, reversing, and being aware of the surroundings all the time. You can call me a driving fanatic, but I would classify doing such things as the bare minimal pre-requisites to have a safe trip from Point A to B.

As much as I love the art of driving, I value safety more than anything else. Just 2 days after swerving out of someone's blind spot right into another lane with an on coming car and maintaining control, it's a timely reminder of my dad's preaching of "precautionary driving", knowing that you can control your actions but you can never predict the actions of others.

I would not in my wildest dreams declare that I'm skilled and experienced as compared to thousands of others on the road, but I would say I'm happy with my progress as a 1 year old driver. With more experience comes knowledge and instinct. While you can't prevent accidents from happening, since they are called accidents, you can prevent an accident waiting to happen. Don't be a liability and nuisance on the roads. But still, enjoy the ride.

(Disclaimer: I am not a spokesperson for the Traffic Police!)

my dearest grandma

The past couple of weeks have been, I would say, tiring and emotional. Saying goodbye wasn't the most difficult part, it was seeing people break down, the actions of others and the occasional memory flashback that saddens me.

There were many other emotions that I experienced. I have long been a mere spectator amongst the seemingly eternal conflict that has been happening within the family, without even putting much thought to such mindless arguments. But when things have come to this stage, and they are still bickering, putting self interest before what's of utmost importance, I was extremely upset. In fact, I was disappointed, frustrated and even angry. Granny left. And her children can't even get their act together, for one last time. Perhaps I've finally grown to see what's actually happening. Finally come to the age to realise what it meant to be a dutiful son. It is in times like these that you see the ugliest side of people, the incompetence and truest reflection of one's character. Whatever respect I had for some people regardless of age or occupation was lost momentarily. Or maybe permanently? I don't know.

Ok that's enough of the ugly stuff. This post shall be inked with the best memories of my beloved grandmother we affectionately call Ah Po. I've been through a few passings in my 20 odd years. And this one had the most impact. Perhaps due to my closeness to her and my better understanding of matters at this age. Ah Po was very much like my mother in terms of character and beliefs. She went through tough times when first migrated here from China and experienced WWII first hand, explaining her strong dislike for Japanese calling them ji pun gui translating to 'Japanese Ghosts'. She raised 10 kids, and many animals too. From her stories of feeding milk to piglets, catching chicken, feeding dogs, cats and most recently the rabbits during my era, she had many stories to tell. I tried to understand with my limited vocabulary of Hainanese and translation from the elders and was always amused. I fondly remember the times when we stayed over at her house during the weekends or school holidays when we would play Dum (she was really good at this!), Aeroplane board game, Shui Da Shui Xiao card game(who big who small, she was the one who taught us) and even Jenga and whatever toys we brought there.

I vividly remember I accidentally threw a wooden piece, probably a Jenga piece, to her and it hit her eye. I was so afraid at that time that she would go blind in one eye but she just smiled and assured me it's ok. I never dared to mention the incident again. Subsequently, I noticed a mark at her left eye which I thought I could have been the culprit, but I never asked and it will never be known.

Ah Po had a secret recipe for a salted fish soup which only she and my late eldest aunt knew. It was unique and I loved it so much that I would bug her to cook for me. But unfortunately, the taste is now lost forever.

I have always been fascinated by her daily schedule. She would wake up around 6am and have breakfast, flip the newspapers but just looking at pictures as she can't read, watch tv, take a nap, have lunch, tv again and then sit at the gate watching the neighbourhood and observing people till dinner. Recently, she would sit by the window and watch planes take off and even counting the number for the period. We all laughed when she said there were only 5 planes that took off for the whole morning. Haha it may be true afterall.

Mahjong. I still remember how it all started. The adults would play all afternoon and when it was their time for dinner, my sisters and I would scramble and invade the table pulling Ah Po along to play a couple of rounds before the adults came back. As we grew older, we would entertain her during the holidays and play from morning to night. And when she was losing, we would use our camera phones, stretch out behind her back while she was all focused on her tiles, and take a snapshot of what she had so that we could discard our tiles in her favour. Her toothless smile was always infectious and we were happy as long as she was happy.

Undeniably, we were her favoured grandchildren over time and she had my photo when I was younger, displayed in her room. We always loved that she could stay over so that it was more convenient for my aunt to bring her to her medical appointment the next day.

I guess those were the best memories I had with her over my short 20 years compared to her enriching 95. I was quite remorseful to leave her birthday celebration this year before cutting the cake but she urged me to go by giving the usual assuring smile. And perhaps the biggest regret I have is to not do what I wanted to do 3 years back - an English-Hainanese dictionary. I wanted to do it so that I could have proper conversations with her, but I gave it up and tried to learn it by mere listening and attempted speech. I didn't manage to master the language in time and had to make do with broken Hainanese all these while. I tried.

I was there when she left, and felt relieved for her to end the torture and discomfort she had. Although her biggest wish of seeing everyone come together was not fulfilled, I hope she'll leave everything behind and find peace and happiness wherever she may be. Rest in peace, Ah Po. Lu gai dun, Su Wee.

interested? find out.

I came across this question and answer thingy which is like a thing of the past. But the questions for this one seem quite interesting to answer So it's back to good old times, here it goes:

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Young.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Never trying.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Societal expectations.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

To the best of my ability, I'll walk the talk.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

The damage caused by human activities.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Football player-manager.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Settling for what I'm doing.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

No difference. At this stage, there's no other option. No job, no money, no talk.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Large degree. My actions thus far has resulted in my position today. Nobody really controlled my life, it has been in my hands all along, it's whether I realised it.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Doing things right. I believe my ethics and morals are in full control of guiding me to doing the right things. There's nothing to worry about that.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Find out their rationale for the criticism and attempt to reason it out.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Find the goal and work towards it.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

From death? Yes. But there are always circumstances to look at.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Unfortunately, no. Perhaps insanity is too strong a word to be associated with creativity. And it is also difficult to see full blown insanity in a conservative society.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

Listening more than talking.

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

Many don't see the simple pleasures in life and always seek to strive for the best. But there's always the normal distribution curve. To be contented with what you have or set out to have will make happiness easier to find.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

Owning a car. Waiting for the auspicious hour.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Nope, thankfully.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Japan. Class, nurtured, developed, relaxing. Their culture gives you the option of working hard for your reward and enjoy the ambience of pure vacation along the scenic countryside. Not to forget the climate.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Unless the light doesn't come on.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton.

22. Why are you, you?

It's in the DNA I guess. Character isn't moulded, it's inbuilt. Events can change the behaviour, but the character and personality will remain the same.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Yep. There's nothing I value more in a friendship than loyalty. I can say that I've been true to my friends.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

I'd vote for the latter. Very unfortunately, I never had a good friend who lives right near me. Always isolated in the far east of this island. Anyway, the move could be permanent of temporary, but the friendship remains. But to lose touch with a good friend next door is almost equivalent to losing a friendship forever.

25. What are you most grateful for?

Having clean water and food on the table.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

This is a tough one. I'll choose the former. Even though memories are built on the past and I had brilliant memories thus far, we must be looking forward to the future and not always dwell on the past. As a young adult now, there's a big world out there for me to explore, and I wouldn't give it up. To lose this capability would be equivalent to dying.

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Yea isn't it what we've been doing all these years in school? Aka mugging?

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

No. Close but not yet.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

It doesn't, honestly, to a large extent. However it was one of the many setbacks that made me who I am today.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

Going to my grandma's house every weekend and sometimes staying over with my cousin and aunt, watching cartoons, having the Singaporean breakfast, painting Easter eggs, playing board games or cards with my grandma, hopskotch drawn with chalk, pretending to chop down a tree with a small spade, manoeuvring my remote control jumping car around the yard, a badminton competition in the garden, pasar malam games with my cousins and the list goes on. Do I really need to explain what makes it special? These are things we will never ever do it again.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Times in NS. The outfield exercises that enabled you to stand on top of an armoured tank travelling at 50km/hr on the roads at 3am in the morning with your faced covered with camou paint, sweating like a dog, and a rifle in your arms.

32. If not now, then when?

When I finally have something to my name.

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Life? Pride?

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Yea I think so. Let the gaze do the talking.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

It is the love for conflicting items. People are all selfish and only care about what's beneficial to them. And coincidentally, what's beneficial to them is usually beneficial to others and a war starts for the right to own the common, scarce item.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

No. 'Without a doubt', no. We all assume what's good for the majority is good. But there would be doubts definitely. Is sentencing a prisoner to death good? Even if he's a murderer? Isn't there evil within the 'an eye for an eye' ideology?

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Nah, a million dollars can't last long.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Should there be 'work' I enjoy doing, I wouldn't classify it as 'work' anymore. So, the former.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Hmm, today, probably not a hundred times. It was a good day out with my mum and friends. Tomorrow, yes.

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Audit. What ever happened to the integrity and honesty assumed to be second nature?

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

Probably one of the crushes I had.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Nah. Never had the desire to be famous. And never saw the need to be extremely attractive.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Being alive is to breathe. To truly live is to enjoy life as you want to.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

When I have enough rewards to spare.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Some mistakes when made are life changing. Some mistakes when made there is no coming back. Some mistakes when made are unforgiveable.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Can't think of anything. I don't really bother about how people judge me. Everyone has their own opinion and I don't see a need to remove that right of theirs. Just do your thing, I do my thing. Peace?

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

When I was running?

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love the game of football. Everyone knows that. Probably my eye catching rant on twitter.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

In detail probably not. But I will remember this period of my life as the time I never had the need for an alarm clock.

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

It's complex for now. I guess I'm at the crossroads where whichever traffic light turns green for me, I would have to head that direction. However, I do have my route planned out by myself which I hope that from this junction, I'm able to find my way there. I'm on my own.

da best of hawker food (imo)

After all these years of being a Singaporean, I'm honoured to have tried some of the best of the best original local food. Since I'm in the mood for the food, let me share some of the best I've ever tried.

1. Hokkien Mee
> Bedok Camp Food Centre
Why good? - It just tastes good. You either love it or hate it. For me, I can't get sick of it, which I suspect they might have added nicotine or some addictive drug that keeps calling my stomach for more.
What's different? - It doesn't taste like the normal yellow and white hokkien mee, in fact, it's brown. It is smooth probably due to having more white noodle than yellow and hence holding more taste with each spoonful.

2. Char Kway Teow
> Old Airport Road Food Centre (Lao Fu Zi)
Why good? - It is the smoothest Char Kway Teow I've ever eaten, with sufficient wetness, evenly cooked, generous with the harm and will substitute it with fresh prawns if you don't eat harm. The chili kills, but ultimate shiokness.
What's different? - I heard they used some special broth to cook the kway teow before frying explaining the smoothness in every bite.

3. Carrot Cake (White)
> Zion Road Food Centre (Lao Goh)
Why good? - I never liked my carrot cake to be white until I tasted this. It's fried crispy on the outside and succulent on the inside with the just right flavour, correct mix of pepper and salt.

What's different? - Lao Goh is a deaf hawker who specialises only in selling carrot cake. The crisp and even mix of the chili throughout the cake completes the dish.

4. Carrot Cake (Black)

> Changi Village Food Centre (Middle row)

Why good? - It's good because I like my black carrot cake to have loads of egg, and this guy is quite generous with the egg!

What's different? - There can't be much variation with the black carrot cake and the seemingly extra egg mixture is my pitfall.

5. Wanton Mee

> Eminent Plaza at Lavender

Why good? - The noodle is thoroughly cooked with the right Q-ness yet soft at the same time. The char siew is normally sliced finely and the wanton together with the soup is sinfully tasty and refreshing.

What's different? - Portion. Unfortunately the portion is small and I usually eat at least 2 servings per meal. The gravy is the best part of the dish as there's this special taste that only they know what made it this good.

6. Tau Huey

> Old Airport Road Food Centre (Lao Ban)

Why good? - It is almost like custard which I prefer to the normal beancurd-like tau huey and it's absence of the strong soya taste. It still has the small amount of lingering soya yet sufficient for the taste buds. It isn't sweet like the traditional tau huey which adds a layer of syrup, yet sweet enough for you to crave for more.

What's different? - The texture sets it apart from the rest. They are able to remove most of the wetness within the beancurd even after digging a hole in it.

7. Duck Rice

I can't give exact details for this, as my memory failed me. But if you are keen on finding it, it's in Telok Blangah, hidden within a private housing estate.

What sets it apart is the braised duck which is nicely sliced and easy to bite. It isn't tough like the average duck rice.

However, Yu Kee Duck Rice in food courts usually earn my praise and satisfy the day to day cravings.

8. Chicken Rice

I used to be able to rank chicken rice, but gave up as it seems an impossible task with hawkers honing their skills to match up with one another. I had the rare chance of tasting the famous Chatterbox Chicken Rice at Mandarin Hotel many years back. Despite it's insane price, it is quality chicken rice with individual rice grains cooked such that it is soft but doesn't stick together and the chicken look like it went through many processes before ending up on the table. It was a unique experience and certainly worth trying for all.

I shall put a halt to the list for the moment, but these are among the best hawker food I've tasted thus far. Go try em!

wet wet weekend

i had 2 really interesting dreams the past weekend. one's really cool and probably inspired by real life events that i came across recently. it's been some time since i had to come out of such a sticky situation, but i think i handled it quite well.

the weekend had been too happening. almost quite crazy. class on sat followed by birthday celebration for 3 people and a very late night home on the night rider. almost a 2 hour long journey. i can reach KL if i spent that time in a plane.

soccer sunday as usual but this one was different because the match was abandoned after the downpour interrupted halfway. Soaked to the skin, was kinda glad i had the car and a few of us went for an early dinner followed by a 2 hour futsal under the new Thomson flyover site. Gave it all and my legs were all cramped and sore, but managed to get myself home safely. And then it was the most difficult part of the day. The washing up.

Spent a good one and a half hours giving the car a bath and then my extremely stinky clothes and boots a scrub before smelling like aloe vera myself followed by indulging in my secret recipe instant noodles. Dead tired by the end of it, but a really worth it weekend.

what about a job in the unemployment line?

I haven't had the dying urge or inspiration to blog about anything the past 2 weeks.

Life has been pretty mundane. Lessons, soccer, sleep. That's about it. However, I do feel kinda handicapped at the moment, having no source of income. It doesn't count as unemployment because: 1) I'm not actively searching for a job, 2) I still fall in the student and housewives category. But it almost feels like I'm an unemployed resource when everyone else is out there slogging, even giving tuition while studying.

I'm sure if I actively search for a job I'll get one. But it isn't easy studying and working at the same time. I'm not much of a multi-tasker. There's still the come what may mentality for this subject.

On a side note, I've been quite happy with classes actually. Despite all the complaining about the long hours, I feel that it might be the only thing that keeps me sane and occupied now. I've always been fascinated by how stuff works, and it's an eye opener for me to learn how everything in the economy falls into place as I piece one jig saw at a time. However, I do see more than what's on the textbook too. I've realised the stark difference between private and government education. One key area is competition and peer pressure.

And I've come to a conclusion that I rather do it now, than end up like so many others who are doing it when they are starting to bald or with an occasional kick in the belly. Press on everyone!